Nidda and Lar (cont'd)

​

it made Danny seem a more relatable, down to earth character in my eyes somehow.
From where I was floating a shortway below the group on my piece of polysterene I noticed that
Danny’s girfriend had a tattoo on her arm which said something in Spanish. I asked her what it said and
she replied, ‘oh, yeah it says, a smile is the sunshine of life, in Spanish’
‘That’s sweet’ I replied, ‘That’s pretty, when did you get it?’
‘In Guatamela, two days ago’
‘What? Shit, that’s fresh, dude’
‘Wait, did I say two days, I meant two years ago’ The girl and Danny both laughed a little at this.
‘I was gonna say, should you be able to get that wet?’ I said, ‘I mean, it is possible, if you caught like, a
red eye overhere or someshit, but still…’
‘Yeah’ Danny’s girlfriend replied with a slight laugh.
The others were holding their three tubes together, and I was sporadically kicking a bit, and a distance
started to lengthen between us and glancing back at the others however many yards up river, I thought
to myself of Danny, ‘ah well, nice guy, but guess that’s the end of it tho’
And soon Danny and the others were out of sight completely.
I floated on and after a bit amidst some trees on the river’s edge, I watched as a vacation whizzed by on
a zipline, affixed amongst the trees.

The light started to fade, and for a spell, towards dusk, I looked at some golden light playing over some
ripples in the water, which I think was perhaps caused by, the failing light, shining thru some leafy
branches overhead.
A little while later whilst going down thru some more rapids my polysterene hit a rock rather suddenly
and cracked roughly in two.
And I held the smaller of the two sections before me in the water.
The remaining piece didn’t have quite the same bouyance then, having lost however much of itself but it
was better than nothing.
A shortwhile later I noticed a short bamboo shard with a crushed beer can atop it, proped up amongst
some raised rocks in the middle of the river. I got up in the relatively shallow waters beside it and
grabbed the shard too as I found it to be something of an eyesore.
I floated on, and after awhile also swam over and grabbed a semi-sunken trash bag which I noticed
floating alongside me down the river.
‘Shit’ I thought to myself, ‘I need to find a trashcan or cardboard box or something beside the river to
leave all this shit…
Christ knows how long I still might have till the end of tubing bar in town and I don’t want to be stuck
carry this shit all that way’
After a little while I noticed a burnt out fire place with some rocks around it on a rocky little cove on the
river’s edge. I swam over to the cove and left the trash in the burnt out fireplace with the hope that
someone might later come along and burn it.
‘Fuck it’ I thought to myself, ‘I was getting sick of holding it all. Just hope someone comes along later and
burns it all. Ah well… It’s not great, but what else was I to do? I didn’t ask to be born into the age of
disposable plastic and EDM and whatever else, I just was, right?’
I waded back into the river with my remianing polysterene rectangle, and set off again.
Perhaps 40 minutes or so later I came to the riverside Smile bar, at the end of tubing place.
I walked thru the large open grassy establishment, and onto the dirt path thru the greenery beyond it,
all the while still totally sodden wet, and holding the remaining polysterene piece to my chest.
At the end of the dirt path, there was a narrow wooden pedestrian bridge, which spanned over
something of a gully, which had a shallow tribitury off-shot from the main river, flowing thru the bottom
of it. And as I walked across this bridge I noticed a somewhat pretty young woman in a long dress
walking towards me down it.
I tried to make eye contact with her and smile, thinking that she might be curious as to what I was doing
in just the shorts with the polysterene, but she barely glanced at me, and when she did momentarily she
didn’t smile as we passed on the bridge.
On the other side of it, after a short walk, there were some concrete stairs which lead up the hillside of
the gully and back into town. And at the very bottom of the gully before me, there were some ducks, in
a fellow’s little dirt yard, and I stopped for a moment and looked at them walking about, and drinking
from the river and puddles and quacking at each other, then I headed on up the stairs.
And at the top of the stairs there was a large trash can.
I put the remianing piece of polysterene in it, looked at it, for a moment then took it back out. ‘Hmm’ I
thought to myself, ‘nah dude… You’re only here for what, three more weeks whatever, it doesn’t go so
well over the shallow bits anyway. Fuck it…
…Tho imagine just putting in 5 days, a week, then floating downriver on the weekends to relax after
putting in a good full week’s work with the painting…

Hire a tube then you dickhead. It’s like 60,000 kip are you that much of a bum?’
I put the polysterene back in the trash can, then walked back thru the town and into my room.
And back inside I took a shower, then got changed. And I then laid down on my bed, and clicked my
phone back on.
And I had no new messages in it. ‘I suppose if I was a pretty girl any time I clicked on my phone it’d be
full of messages and updates and likes and all the rest of it’ I thought to myself, ‘I fucking hate everyone’
After a little while I got a fb message from Nidda and it read, ‘Lar and I downstairs’
‘Ok, I’ll come down’ I replied.
I went and met them downstairs then they came back up to my room with me where they talked in Lao
and laughed and put their make up on.
I asked Lar if she could drive me to the river to pick up my bike and she said ok.
Downstairs, as I was walking past KJ the pretty African receptionist, she asked me about the rent, and I
told her that I would go to an atm and get some cash out, as soon as I’d got my bike back then pay her
and she said that this was ok.
She looked at the girls then back at me and said to me, ‘It has been three days back with the girls and
already you want to kill yourself?’
‘Yes, very much so’
She laughed then added, ‘Oh my god, it has been three days with the girls and already you are wanting
to kill yourself’
‘Yes, but don’t worry, I won’t do it here’
We then all walked outside to the curb before the hotel where Lar’s mother’s scooter was parked,
amidst the hotel’s rental scooters, and a couple of bikes and scooter’s from vacationers staying at the
hotel were also parked.
I patted the pocket of my jeans down for my keys just to make sure I still had them on me. They didn’t
seem to be anywhere in my pockets however.
‘Ah, where the fuck are my fuckin’ keys!’ I shouted out, ‘God damnit man fuck!’
I continued to search my pockets until I eventually found my keys behind some abnknotes. ‘Ah fuck’ I
then said with a sigh.
Lar and Nidda were then trying to kickstart Lar’s mom’s scooter out on the road and it was having
trouble starting.
I noticed the chap I’d seen Nidda kiss the other night walking down the sreet from behind them.
‘Nidda here comes your boyfriend’ I said to her. She turned around and they hugged a little and she
kissed the fellow’s hand. Around then Oliver, an African fellow who worked the night shift at the hotel
came out and had a turn at kickstarting the bike for the girls. He got it started after a shortwhile, then
the girls and I set off for the river, with Nidda driving and us all riding three on the same bike, none of us
with helmets on as I’d left my, somewhat dishelved old one, in the rear fruit crate of my bike.
As we rode, I thought to myself, ‘fuck it, I’ve finished the novels man, if I come off and hit my head and
die, then fuck it, I’ve said what I wanted to say, right? If it could fucking matter to anyone or anyone
reads it at all’
As we came up upon the organic farm, where the tubing started from and the restaurant I’d left the bike
at was, I told the girls to take a left, and we turned down a rocky unpaved side street that lead down to
the restaurant and the river. And as soon as the girls had dropped me off outside the restaurant, they,
with Nidda still driving, turned off and drove away without a word of goodbye. A memory came back to
me of a while back watching Lar and Nidda ride to the river, beside me, with Nidda driving and Lar
wrapping her arms around Nidda’s waist.

I went and got my bike and started to drive it back to my room. I could smell exhaust fumes and burning
plastic in the air as I continued on toward Vang Vieng.
When I got back to my room I made myself a whiskey water, and sat up in my bed and as the internet
was working then I went on youtube, where I started to watch some Vice and Vox political videos. And
after awile as I watched them I picked up my card of diazepam and swallowed a couple with some water
to take the edge off my nervous tension.
As I sat up in my bed watching a Vox video about Kashmir and drinking I noticed a large cockroach on
the wall beneath my art table at the far end of my room.
‘Huh, so there’s a big ass roach living in your room…’ I thought to myself, ‘I’ll nickname him Gregor. After
whats-his-name, Kafka’s book…
…I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio has any roaches in his mansion… Any girls there right now… More than
one? I wonder what’s going on in Bruno Mar’s mansion, a house party? I wonder what’s going on in
Liam’s apartment right now?’ I took another sip from my whiskey water, ‘I wonder how DiCaprio’s living
quarters compare to those of a battery hen?’
Besides the Vox video there was a collumn of thumbnail links to other videos with a heading that read,
‘up next’ and beside each thumbnail was the video’s title. The first of these videos was titled, The Alt-
Right Is In A Shambles One Year After Charlottesville…
Then below this video the second in the list was titled, How an Alt-Right Leader Used a Lie to Climb the
Ranks
Then below this video the third one was titled, Why Tucker Carlson Pretends to Hate ‘Elites’.
I paused the video then searched for urbandictionary in a new tab. Once urbandictionary had loaded I
looked up the word Farang in it.
And I then began to read the various definitions from the search page;
Farang
Thai word for white people or Westerners, generically referring to non-asians. Generally used without
derogatory connotation, derived from the Thai word "farangsayt" for French.
Also Thai word for guava.
Of course drinks are expensive here, it caters mostly to farang.
Farang
1. Thai way of calling White people regardless of where they are from. Origin of this word is still debated
but one of them is when Thai and French people first met and Thai people miss took the word "français"
to Farangset. Later on, farang is a common word to call white people.
2. Guava
Farang gin Farang! Hahaha!
Farang (human) eats Farang (guava)! Hahaha!

Below this was an ad reading, ‘Get a farang mug for your friend Trump!’

Farang
Farang or Falang
Also in the southern Thai dialect
The generic Thai word for specifying a white person or white foreigner
Normally non offensive. Although continued use after knowledge of your name is considered rude.
The origin of the word is still debated.
1) (meaning French/France)
2) the bastardization of the English word "Foreign"
I hate Phuket, there are too many Farang.
I understand why some Thais hate Farang.
Farang have ruined Thailand.
#farang#falang#flang#prang#falang dum
I alt-tabbed into spotify and put the song, Nice Guys Finish Last on by Greenday and I listened as Billy Joe
sang, ‘Nice guys finish last you're running out of gas your sympathy will get you left behind, sometimes
you're at your best when you feel the worst you feel washed up like piss gone down the drain.
Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane I'm so fucking happy I could cry.
Every joke can have its truth but now the joke's on you I never knew you're such a funny guy.
Oh nice guys finish last when you are the outcast don't pat yourself on the back you might break your
spine. Living on command you're shaking lots of hands you're kissing up and bleeding all your trust.
Taking what you need bite the hand that feeds you lose your memory and you've got no shame…’
I tabbed back into google chrome, opened a new tab then searched in it, ‘do nice guys finished last?’
The first result was inside a box and read, ‘The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy
between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men. In other words, women say that
they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks" or "bad boys";in the end’
Then there was a wikipedia link to an article on ‘nice guy’ I ctrl+clicked the link to open it in a new tab.
And below this box there was another in which there were thumbnail links to three youtube videos, with
each videos hyper-linked title below it. The first video was titled, ‘Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys
Finish Last? (MUST WATCH). And it’s thumbnail featured a middle aged fellow in a suit with one hand
raised mid-gesticulation and the video’s title had been written in a bold capitalized font beside him, with
the top line in red, the middle in black, and the last in red again;
WHY DO
NICE GUYS
FINISH LAST
The second video’s thumbnail featured two grining pretty girls in bikinis with sunglasses on at a beach
and was titled, ‘Asking Girls if Nice Guys Finish Last’
And the third video’s thumbnail featured, I suppose a webcam still, of a black fellow with a slight afro
looking at the camera, with a studious expression on his face and was titled, ‘Why Do Nice Guys Finish
Last?’
I continued to scroll down the page and I ctrl+clicked another link that read, ‘This is the real reason why
‘Nice Guys’ finish last – Maxim’
I scrolled on down thru the google result page a bit more, then hit ctrl+w to close it, and the wikipedia
page I had open behind it filled up my browser instead, and I began to read from the top of the article;

A nice guy is an informal term for an (often young) adult male who portrays himself with characteristics
such as being gentle, compassionate, sensitive and vulnerable.[1] The term is used both positively and
negatively.[2] When used positively, and particularly when used as a preference or description by
someone else, it is intended to imply a male who puts the needs of others before his own, avoids
confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, tries to stay out of trouble, and generally acts
nicely towards others.[3] In the context of a relationship, it may also refer to traits of honesty, loyalty,
romanticism, courtesy, and respect. When used negatively, a nice guy implies a male who is unassertive,
does not express his true feelings and, in the context of dating (in which the term is often used[1]),
dishonestly uses acts of ostensible friendship and basic social etiquette with the unstated aim of
progressing to a romantic or sexual relationship.[4][5]
Contents
1 Research on female preferences
1.1 The"nice guy" construct
1.2 Results of research
2 Other viewpoints
2.1 The "nice guys finish last" view
2.2 "Nice Guy"syndrome
3 See also
4 References
5 Bibliography
6 External links

I clicked on the hyperlink to section 2.1 of the article, The 'nice guys finish last" view. I began to skim
read its various paragraphs and from one paragraph I started to read, ‘Herold and Milhausen[22] found
that 56% of 165 university women claimed to agree with the statement: "You may have heard the
expression, "Nice guys finish last" In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have
sex with men who are, than men who are not nice; A third view is that while "nice guys" may not
be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term
romantic relationships (however, "nice guys" need not lose all hope, with studies showing that while
women like , for flings, they tend to settle down with more caring types – the "bad boys"
tending to exhibit the dark triad, i.e., "the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and
callous behaviour of the psychopath and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism. It is
a possibility that women leave to escape their circumstances of abuse, disease or pregnancy to seek a
chance with the nice guy (they rejected previously), afterwards.[citation needed]’
A memory came back to me of Ste handing out free welcome shots from the small table outside Viva
Pub one evening. A woman came up to him and asked what was in the shot and he said, in his thick
British accent, ‘oh, whiskey, sprite, rohipnoyl’

Below the The "nice guys finish last" view, part of the article, there was another heading titled,
"Nice Guy" syndrome
And I began to read the text below;
‘The terms "Nice Guy" and "nice guy syndrome" can be used to describe a man who views himself as a
prototypical "nice guy,"; but whose "nice deeds" are deemed to be solely motivated by a desire to court
women. From said courting, the nice guy  may hope to form a romantic relationship or may be
motivated by a simple desire to increase his sexual activity. The results of failure are often resentment
toward women and/or society. The "nice guy" is commonly said to be put by women "into the friendzone"who do not reciprocate his romantic or sexual interest. Third wave feminist interpretations tend
to see this resentment as being based upon an assumption by men that they are entitled to sex and are
therefore confused when they find that it is not forthcoming despite their supposed "niceness"[26]
More male orientated interpretations claim that the resentment is down to the fact that society, and
the vast majority of people in spoken conversation, claim to be attracted to traits such as honesty,
integrity and kindness, when in reality more superficial considerations trigger attraction. According to
this interpretation people who display wealth, good looks, dominance and confidence tend to succeed
more in romance than do 'nice guys'. Nice guys are therefore resentful at the inconsistency between
what people claim to be attracted to and by how they act in reality.[27][28]
In early 2002, the web site Heartless Bitches International (HBI)[29] published several "rants" on the
concept of the Nice Guy. The central theme was that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many
Nice Guys are insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead,
they choose to present themselves as their paramour's friend, and hang around, doing nice things for
her in hopes that she will pick up on their desire for her. If she fails to read their secret feelings, Nice
Guys become embittered and blame her for taking advantage of them and their niceness. The site is
particularly critical of what they see as hypocrisy and manipulation on the part of self-professed Nice
Guys.[30][31]
According to journalist Paris Martineau, the extremely misogynistic incel and red pill movements (part of
the anti-feminist manosphere) recruit depressed, frustrated men – who may suffer from "Nice Guy
syndrome" – into the alt-right[32]
And I began to skim read this section of the article too, and midway down it I began to read,
‘In early 2002, the website Heartless Bitches International (HBI)[27] published several "rants" on the
concept of the Nice Guy. The central theme was that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many
Nice Guys are insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead,
they choose to present themselves as their paramour's friend, and hang around, doing nice things for
her in hopes that she will pick up on their desire for her. If she fails to read their secret feelings, Nice
Guys become embittered and blame her for taking advantage of them and their niceness. The site is
particularly critical of what they see as hypocrisy and manipulation on the part of self-professed Nice
Guys.[28][29]
According to journalist Paris Martineau, the extremely misogynistic incel and red pill movements (part of
the anti-feminist manosphere) recruit depressed, frustrated men – who may suffer from "Nice Guy
syndrome" – into the alt-right, with Jordan Peterson's "alt-light" videos on YouTube as a typical
gateway.[30]’

Below this there was the heading, See Also, then several hyperlinks;
Assertiveness
Bad boy (archetype)
Ben Franklin effect
Beta male (slang)
Big Five personality traits
Friend zone
Herbivore men
Neckbeard (slang)
Nerd
Nice Jewish boy
Surgency
I hit ctrl+w to close the Wikipedia tab and the Maxim article behind it then filled my browser window
instead. And I then began to read from it,
‘Nobody likes a “nice guy.” Men who are genuinely good and nice are awesome and women love them,
but Nice Guys (note the capitalization), are annoying wannabes who try to get into the pants of
attractive females by spending their time kissing ass and being excessively clingy, thereby creating the
illusion of kindness and vulnerability.
As we all know, this type of person just wants to get laid, but by being the way they are, they do not get
laid. In fact, they inadvertently become celibate, simply because the Nice Guy vibe is a massive turnoff
to every single woman in the world’
Then below this there was a still of Jerry, the father character from the Rick and Morty cartoons, and in
the still he was pointing a lazer at someone cropped out of shot in one hand while he was pointing at his
chest, with his thumb with his other. He had a rather bitter expression on his face, with arched brows,
and was midway thru saying something where they’d cut off the still.
In a white, black outlined font midway down the still was then written, ‘I am a good person and I
demand you take my penis’
Then below this image the article went on, ‘And just as Nice Guys never get laid, two separate studies
found that genuinely nice guys actually date more people and have way more sex than everyone else,
because all the hunnies out there are hot for—‘ I heard a knock on my door, I returned to the paragraph,
‘…selfless, emotionally available men. Not selfish Nice Guys’
I hit ctrl+w to close the tab, closed the lid of my laptop then got up and answered my door, it was Lar,
‘Hey dear’ I said to her.
‘Hey’ she replied.
I went and sat back down on my bed. ‘How are you?’ I asked her.
‘Fine.
…You have weed?’
‘Sure, whatever, take what you want, it’s there’ I pointed to the plastic bag of the stuff, in the half foot
or so wide, slightly lowered tile strip between my mattress and the far wall, ‘I’m not going to smoke it’
I then laid down on my bed. And I soon looked over at Lar. She had taken rather a large amount of buds
from my little plastic bag full of weed, and put them into to a bit of paper that had a drawing of mine on
the back of it, that she’d taken from the cluttered level part of the black-metal-clothes-rack-stand lining
the wall beside my art table. ‘No Lar, that paper’s no good’ I said to her, ‘it’s got—a drawing of mine on

the back of it, besides that’s way too much weed dude. Hold on’ I took the paper from her, put the weed
back in the bag, then returned the paper to where she’d found it.
Amongst the mess of papers and cardboard on the level part of the clothes rack, I found my small
pocket notepad. I tore out a small blank sheet from it, then went back to the bag and put a few dmsll
buds into the paper, folded it up gave it to Lar, then said to her, ‘there, you go, there’s a joint’ then I sat
back down on my bed.
‘Thank you’
‘Where do you go?’
‘Don’t know, river’
‘Can I come with you guys?’
‘No, go sleep’ she replied with a laugh, as she added something in Lao, then walked out of my room, not
shutting the door behind her.
I continued to sit there for a very shortwhile then I got up and followed her.
She was a shortway down the stairwell, a few yards from my room by then.
‘Wait’ I said to her as I walked up to her, and she stopped in the stairwell, ‘gimme that’ I then went thru
her pockets and took the paper full of weed out of the pocket it’d been in, then headed back into my
room, as she continued on down the stairs.
I put the weed back away in its bag then laid back down on my bed. And after awhile I sat up and put my
earbuds back in and plugged them into my phone, then on my I opened up spotify and in it I searched
for ‘nice guys’. And I found a song called ‘Nice guys finish last’ by a band called ‘Cobra Starship’ And I
listened as the band’s singer sang over some rather bombastic beats, ‘I was just a kid working for the
man for the first time, said listen kid you better heed my advice treat 'em like dirt they stick forever to
the bottom of your shoe oh I said Mr. Man that ain't nice you gotta treat a girl right; take her out wine
and dine her always be polite.
-Kid, no good does you, but soon you'll see she don't want no goody two shoes’ A female singer then
sang, ‘Boy just a goody two, goody two shoes. Just a goody two, two shoes’
‘You got style, you got grace kid you try so hard she just laughs in your face you're a nice guy with the
wrong attitude she want…’
‘Bad boys, bad boys all we want is bad boys’
‘I treat her dirt she loves me good’
‘So good’
‘And I just hate to have to tell you cause you're a nice guy but that just won't do, she want’
‘Bad boys, bad boys all we want is bad boys’
‘Listen kid you hear them sirens coming for me but when I get downtown she will already be posting bail
in her favorite dress smiling at me because I'm no good you can buy her everything she likes, and I'm
sure she'll be alright but just you feel it, cause baby even spend the night kid you’re good but just know
that she'll be thinking of me, even when she's with you’
‘Boy just a goody two, goody two shoes. Just a goody two-two shoes’
‘You got style, you got grace, kid you try so hard she just laughs in your face. You're a nice guy with the
wrong attitude. She want…’
‘Bad boys, bad boys all we want is bad boys’
I paused the song and put ‘Diamond Sea (Radio Edit)’ by Sonic Youth on instead.
‘Maybe I’ll listen to this as I die…’ I thought to myself, ‘piss fucking drunk on a bunch of diazes, open my
wrists up with a boxcutter. Good song to go out to, I guess. This or Closer. Fuck it. Something…’
I watched youtube videos for a bit, then went out to the free drink hour at viva pub in the evening.
I looked at the girls there and got myself a drink, and after awhile, out the front of the bar, I watched as

a pretty young lady in a bralet, and miniskirt, and her female friend stood talking to Ste as he stood at
the free welcome shot table. Ste was of a rather strong build and wearing his colourful leggings, a baggy
loose singlet with very wide arm-holes, his paisely headband and his long chain of beer-can ring pulls, as
was his custom.
I tried to approach the group and said ‘hey’ to them, and the girl in the bralet’s friend said ‘hey’ back to
me and smiled, and I stood there for a minute or two without saying anything, hoping to somehow join
or be included in the conversation, to no avail, before going back and sitting on the seat of a
motorscooter parked a yard or so away outside the front of the bar, drinking a little and looking at Ste as
he talked to the girls and I looked too at the pretty girl in the bralet as she looked up at Ste as he talked.
And after the free drink hour was over I went back to my room.
In the middle of the night, when I was half asleep on a whim I checked my phone, there were some
relatively recent messages from Nidda in it and they read ‘Max
Come pick up Lar
She at viva’
‘Nidda am sleeping’ I messaged her back, ‘tell her she can come to my room if she wants’
‘Please Max’
‘Can she come my room?’
‘No’
‘She is welcome to come I am just so tired to walk
Too tired’
‘She get angry me
My battery finish
Come to viva
My boy get angry me too
He with lar
I’m sitting on road
Help me last time’
‘Ok
I come now’
‘Ok
Ok
Viva’
I got dressed and walked downstairs. And sitting at one of the tables in the large run-down reception
hall at the bottom of my hotel slash hostel, I noticed the young man, I’d seen kissing Nidda before,
sitting with Lar with an arm over her shoulder.
Without smiling I flashed him the peace sign as I passed the pair and he faintly saluted me, then I
continued on to Viva pub.
I looked at the pretty girls standing in groups with their friends and lovers outside and smelled the
exhaust fumes in the air and I could not see Nidda anywhere and I had not bought my phone out with
me. ‘Nidda! Nidda!’ I called out and I walked around a little more. ‘Fuck, should I go back for my phone?’
I thought to myself.
‘Max’ Nidda said to me, as she approached me and she was in tears.
‘Max, why, why my boy do this to me?’ she asked me.
‘I don’t know Nidda, I really don’t know what to tell you’
We continued to make our way back to the hostel and Nidda continued to weep.
‘Why? Why she do this to me? Why they do this to me Max?’

‘Hey, hey it’s alright, don’t cry, you’re alright, things will be ok’
I saw Lar and the young man standing outside my hotel.
I tried to avoid eye contact with all of them as I stood with the group.
Some talk followed in Lao between the girls.
Thru some tears Nidda said to me, ‘it’s ok, it’s ok, you can go sleep now, Lar says, I come with her, ok’
‘Alright, so are you guys ok now? Do you have a safe place to sleep tonight?’
‘Yeah, is ok, is ok, you can sleep now, sorry’
‘It’s fine. Good night’
I then made my way back up to my room.
I laid in bed for awhile but couldn’t sleep. I could hear talking on the street below. ‘Fuck this’ I thought
to myself, then got up and walked down to the far end of my hall, to the balcony at the other end of the
hotel, which overlooked the street below. And I could see Nidda and Lar talking to a young man down
there. And Lar was smoking a cigarette.
I couldn’t quite see who the boy was so I went back and got my glasses out of my room, then returned
to the balcony and sat there. I saw that it was a different boy than the one Nidda had been with, and he
was young in a black t-shirt and shorts, and I watched as he talked to the girls outside the hotel and as
Lar continued to smoke.
I continued to sit there for a shortwhile, then went and put my glasses back away in my room, then went
downstairs and sat on a scooter seat before the others. ‘Hey’ I said.
‘Hey…’ the young man replied.
‘So are you guys having fun? Are you all having a fun time?’
Nidda looked at me.
‘Do you know these girls?’ the fellow asked me in some form of European accent.
‘Mm’
‘…I was just asking the girls how old they thought I am. They said they think I look fifteen, do you think I
look fifteen?’
‘I could give a fuck how old you are’
‘No, no, c’mon guess how old I am?’
‘I could give a shit’
The group continued to talk a little, and I didn’t really listen to them, and at a brief lull in the
conversation I looked at Lar and said to her, ‘Ok, so Lar, I’m going to put your bag and all your shit back
down at reception and you can pick it up from there ok? Because I don’t want to keep your bag or any of
your shit in my room anymore alright? Ok?’
Lar didn’t respond anything to this.
‘…Do you know this guy?’ the European chap then asked Nidda.
And she didn’t respond anything.
‘…I’m sorry, I’m done’ I then said to Lar, ‘I’m done. I’m fucking done. You’ve stolen from me. Treated me
with no respect since I first met you, more or less and I’m just done’
‘Ok, I’m going to go…’ the chap said.
‘Ah, don’t mind me man, you stay, you stay, don’t mind me, this isn’t about you. You can probably still
end up fucking both of these girls tonight if you really want, so don’t split, it’s just she can’t keep her shit
in my room, any longer, and that’s all I really had to say’
‘You say sister, sister’ Lar said to me then shook her head a little.
The group continued to talk a little, and the girls also talked a little in Lao, and I continued to sit on the
bike. Lar started to shake the bike I was sitting on. ‘What?’ I asked her.
‘My bike, my bike, you get off’ she said.
And so I did and sat on the curb instead. And the talking continued around me.

And after a bit Nidda went off somewhere.
‘…You use this guy?’ I listened as the chap said to Lar, ‘look at me. Fucking look at me. You use this guy?
Cause that’s fucked up. You use this guy? That’s fucked up’
‘Don’t talk to her like that man’ I said to the fellow, ‘put your manners back in’
‘Ok, ok, I was just asking her what she was doing, you know man’
‘Mm’
Amd the chap was then smoking a cigarette.
‘Could I have a pull on that cigarette?’ I asked him.
‘It’s not mine, it’s hers, you ask her, and if she says yes, only then can I give it to you’
‘Are you kidding me?’
‘It’s not mine, it’s hers, you ask her, and only if she says yes, I can give it to you’
‘Just gimme a pull on the fuckin’ cigarette, ok?’
He did so and I took a few pulls on it then offered it back to Lar but she wouldn’t take it so I handed it
back to the chap instead.
‘Ok so, this girl has been using you you think?’ the chap asked me.
‘Ah, I don’t know man, whatever’
‘First of all stand up, ok?’
‘No’
‘Are you on any drugs, are you on any drugs now? What drugs have you taken tonight?’
‘I’m not on any drugs, I’m just a little tired is all’
‘And it’s ok, I’ve taken drugs before, so I would know’
‘Ok’
I continued to sit there for awhile before I got up again.
‘…Look, I’m tired, so I’m going to go to bed ok?’ I said to the pair, ‘before I go can you give me your
solemn word tho, that you’ll take care of this girl?’
‘I’m probably going to head to bed on my own now anyway, so night man?’
‘Ok sure, take it easy, it was nice to meet you’
‘Yeah, take it easy too… Crazy guy’ the chap replied with a slight laugh then walked off.
‘Mmhm’ I muttered.
‘Look, Lar, are you alright?’ I then asked her, ‘do you have a safe place to sleep tonight?
‘Nidda say I can sleep with her, her boy’
‘Ok, so you’re ok, you can sleep there?’
‘Yes’
‘Alright, well, night then’
Lar then walked off, and I then walked back up to my room.
I had trouble getting to sleep. At sometime in the morning I noticed that the first light of the day was
starting to come into my room from behind the transparent, gold, floral-patterned curtians, behind my
bed.
I checked my phone to see if Laura or anyone else had gotten back to any of my emails.
And I had some relatively recent messages from Nidda in it and they read; Why you get angry her
Why she talk with boy you come to talk with her and angry her
She come to sleep here
I can’t sleep now
Unhappy
I’m so sad
I’m good for her, she always do I’ll don’t help her again max

Can you give me medicin for sleep
Please I don’t want know anything’
Nidda had then sent me a crying face emoji.
I sent her back a waving man emoji.
‘Yep’ she then messaged me.
‘Don’t sad
It’s ok
Think nice thoughts
You can fall asleep soon’
I then sent her a couple of the two pink love hearts emojis, then a dog emoji.
‘She want to get guy but he can’t get her
No can’t
No sleep
But I’m so tired’
‘Think of Bellsarius’
‘I can’t believe her’
‘It’s ok
Don’t worry’
‘Maybe get sick tomorrow
Last night she go fuck boy for free
But some food I spend for her
I’ll don’t help her again
She made me hurts 2 time’
‘It is a bad situation
I don’t think she likes me
So I don’t really want her to use my room anymore’
‘She know I like but why she did’
‘Or to keep her bag in my room’
‘I feel bad and sad
Fuck’
‘Me too nidda’
‘She don’t go
Don’t worry about me
I want to happy, but why’
Nidda then sent me a crying face emoji, then added, ‘Thanks Max you good friend, I’m sorry I don’t
know her bad’
I changed into my google translate app and translated into Thai the phrase ‘have courage. things will
improve’ then sent it to her.
‘…Perhaps its too complex, won’t translate ok’ I thought to myself, then translated and sent to her,
simply the word ‘courage’
‘Thank you’ Nidda replied to this, along with a crying face emoji.
‘Does make sense?’ I asked her.
‘I can’t tell her like you
Fucking sad’
‘Have courage’
‘But I don’t understand why she go for free’
‘Tomorrow feel better’
‘Now 5:49

He and her sleep well
And don’t care about me’
I sent Nidda a man with a girl emoji then a bat emoji then a butterfly emoji, then a cricket one, then hit
the blue thumbs up button beside the chat pane.
‘It will be ok!’ I then sent her, ‘If go to sleep can feel better in the morning’ I then sent her a sleepy face
emoji.
‘No
Thank you’ Nidda then sent me a few crying face emojis.
‘Pls don’t cry’
‘I done try
I will don’t talk with her again’
‘She needs you’
‘I will don’t pity her
Not me again, nobody like her, she did bad
I don’t care my parents care about me
But I can’t sleep’
‘Try think of nice things
Can help u to sleep’
‘I look like crazy
I can’t sleep’
‘It’s ok’
‘Get angry
She want boy last night but they said no, pity her so I pick up her’
‘I’m kind of over the situation
It’s like I’m tired of her using me
But it’s hard because if I just say ‘I’m done’ then she has to go back home’
‘Yep look like you stupid’
‘And then I feel bad about that’
‘Yes’
‘She get 3 boy come you room you went vientiane
Then she have a money more, I was back to homoe, I don’t know she get boy come room or no’
‘Mm
She stole my camera also?
Or one of the boys?’
‘I don’t know
You believe me but I don’t stay your room I’m sorry.
I always come stay with him, but he have a sex with lar, be sad
I feel hurts heart’
‘Ah well
One day I would like to find girl
So hard for me hahaha
To find’
‘Yes’
‘No good with girls’
‘I hope you will meet good girl’
‘Maybe can’t’
‘I feel bad now
If I know lar want have a sex with him, I won’t have sex with him’

I sent Nidda an emoji of a straw hat with a green bow on it then said to her, ‘He seemed like a piece of
shit nidda
If he was going with a girl as beautiful as you and he cheats on you’
‘He bad too’
‘He’s a fucking idiot’ s
‘He wake up I ask him, he happy
Made me sad
Before she took your money you know’
‘Yeah I mean, I tried to help her’
‘But not much’
‘I really did’
‘Yes me too
I don’t try’
‘When someone tries to help you you don’t steal their shit
If she wants to make love to a lot of of boys great—good luck to her
But she can’t keep her bag in my room
I’m done’
‘Why’
‘Because she no care me
Nidda’
I sighed.
‘Anyway’ I then messaged Nidda, ‘I sleep now nidda
Good night
You’re really beautiful if the boy can’t see that it’s his loss’
I sent her the blue thumbs up symbol beside the chat-pane then added, ‘have a nice dream’
‘I can’t sleep
Thank you
I feel bad and sad’
I had the phrase ‘easy no problem’ tattooed in Thai on my ankle from when I was in Thailand, late last
year, and I took a photo of my ankle and sent it to Nidda.
She sent me back a sticker featuring a yellow, green-tinged face vomiting up some lumpy vomit.
‘Alright good night nidda’ I then texted her back.
‘Ok
I try
For sleep’
‘Whatever’
‘Ok’
I slept for a few hours before waking up due to my out of whack circadian rhythms, or what have you.
I checked my phone, I had no new message in it. I sent Nidda several vomiting face emojis, then slept for
a little more. I woke up again around 9, and then sent her the same vomiting face sticker she’d sent me
earlier that morning. Then I got all of Lar’s things and put them in a spare blue trash bag I had in my
room, and took it and her backpack and left them behind the reception counter downstairs.
Later that afternoon while I was working on an oil painting I got a message from nidda in fb messenger;
‘Don’t take bag lar come outside ok
Pity her
Save her bag in your room’

‘Lars bag is downstairs
She can pick it up from reception’
‘Don’t do that Max
Are you good friend
Take back
She stay with me now’
‘It’s safe
Dw’
‘Ok
Don’t get angry her
You don’t have time for her then she find new boy’
‘I could give a shit
Tell her I want my camera back and she still needs to pay me back for the money she stole from my
room’ I navigated to my currency conversion app, and translated 1000 INR into Lao kip, took a screen
shot of the conversion then sent it to Nidda.
‘She don’t take your camera
You don’t take care her
Then she need a money made her go to with boy’
‘Where are you?’
Nidda sent me her location on a map, then added,
‘Her so beautiful 10$ for 1 night
Big room
Good place here
Lar and me come to visit my friend here
Beautiful nature’
‘Who is yr friend?
Boy?’
‘Girl’
‘Ok cool
Glad you found a nice place
Lars bag is safe for when she needs it’
‘No
Come to visit
Its you want can change
Big toilet’
‘Haha’
‘Big room’
‘I’ll think about it’
Nidda then sent me some photos of her room. Then added,
‘Big’
‘Ok’
‘If you want help lar just you change hostal cause she can’t go there’
‘Ok
Maybe stay here for a little while longer tho, finish off some paintings, other things, then I’ll think about
it’
‘Yep
Cause Lar no room
I don’t want she stay with me and my boy

When we want have a sex
we can’t do’
I paused for a moment then typed,
‘I don’t give a damn
Why the fuck would I care about that?’
Nidda didn’t respond anything to this.
I navigated out of the exchange and then into my one with Frances, a pretty young German lady who’d
been staying at Vang Vieng and working at Viva Pub for a spell.
I had sent her a link to the Dirty Three’s Au Revoir Petit Chat
Then asked her ‘How’s Cambodia?’
But she hadn’t responded anything to this, and she was currently online.
And I navigated out of the exchange.
And I then navigated into my exchange with Melissa Garrido. My last message to her a few days back
had been ‘Want to hang out tonight? You’re a kind person and would be nice to see a friendly face’ she
hadn’t replied anything to this and had last been active 12h ago. And I then navigated into my exchange
with Heloise Bedard, who I’d chatted to at Nanna hostel one evening. And my last message to her had
been, ‘Would you like to hang out sometime? Even if we don’t do the painting but just to hang out? See
you!!!’ I’d then sent her the peace sign emoji but she had not responded anything to this either.
I then navigated out of this exchange clicked off my phone and set it back down on my art table. I then
returned to my painting of Yen, a previous receptionist, from my hotel, and I was working from a photo
on my computer.
I drank some whiskey and water and took my dinner of some chicken and pulled pork hard-shell tacos in
Ameigo’s the Mexican place in town. And as I waited for my meal to come out the young Laos chap who
worked at the otherwise empty restaurant sat at a nearby table and messaged someone on his phone.
‘Who are you messaging man?’ I asked him.
‘My girlfriend’ he replied.
After dinner, I decided to try my hand at taking my tote bag full of paints and brushes to Viva pub that
night, then to perhaps try my hand at asking a lady there if I might be able to paint her.
And I went to Viva pub for the free drinks hour with my tote bag full of art stuff.
And I felt uncertain and like I did not have the courage to approach any of the girls standing in groups,
drinking and talking with their friends, to ask them for a painting.
‘It’d appear creepy’ I thought to myself, ‘you’d be too direct and forward about it, you’re not in the right
mood for it, too tired, too hungry, too pissed off, you might as well just write it off and go home’
I drank a few beers, then went to the then unattended free welcome shot table, drank another shot
from it, then headed home.
The days went on. I continued to work on my painting of Yen, and also started to put some notes I’d
been taking for a while together into this story.
One rather rainy afternoon while I was sitting up shirtless in my black jeans, working on my writing, I got
a fb message from Nidda, ‘Hey’ it read, ‘come to smoke weed
Next viva’
‘Look nidda we’re not friends’ I wrote her back, ‘Don’t message me anymore’
‘Why?’
I continued to work on my writing and ignored this.
Perhaps 30 minutes later I got some more messages from Nidda, ‘Can you come? Then give me ID card. I
left yr room, under your bed

cause I can’t go your room
Vietnamese lady say no like’
‘I don’t have it’
‘I told you on your room’
I got up and looked below my mattress but couldn’t see it.
‘Nope’ I texted her back.
‘Yes
There’
‘It’s not nidda
You must have left it at someone else’s house’
‘I’ll go to your room’
‘Ok
In 10 mins cause lar drinking beer’
‘Ok’
10 odd minutes later Nidda showed up on her own at my room. She was wet from the rain out. And in
her grey denim cut-off shorts and mauve, long-sleeved v-necked shirt and looked very lovely. She found
her ID ok under my mattress; it turned out that I’d been looking under the wrong side of it.
And she then sat down on the corner of my bed, and I sat at the far end of it.
‘I think go home, my parents, Lar say…’ she began.
‘Ah, fucking hell…’ I thought to myself.
When I noticed that she’d finished speaking I said to her, ‘Nidda, I think I’m going to kill myself. I, I…’ I
mimed myself cutting open my wrists with a razer blade.
‘What?’
‘Kill myself, kill myself, I think that I’m going to kill myself, you understand?’ I picked up a card of
diazepam beside my bed, ‘take this, lots of this, get drunk, drink whiskey lao, then…’ I made the mime of
cutting my wrists open again.
‘You crazy, crazy boy’ she replied with a slight laugh.
She continued to sit there, ‘working?’ Nidda said as she touched the closed lid of my laptop.
‘…A little, here and there maybe’
‘…I’m wet’
‘You want a shirt?’
‘Ok’
I got up and went over to my suitcase, ‘look are you ok, do you really want one cause, I guess, if you…’
‘No, it’s fine’
I went and sat back down on my bed and I looked at my phone a little.
‘Well I go now’ Nidda said.
‘Ok’
She got up first and left my room, and I got up a shortwhile after and watched her walk down the
stairwell, then looked out at the treed limestone mountains in the distance beyond the river and some
sparse clouds were floating in front of them. And all of the arched, shingled rooftops of the town were
wet from the rain, and the leaves of the trees in the town looked especially verdant from the wetness
and dim light.

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