I mean, as long as I can remember, I’ve just either been despised or ignored by women as they
laugh and talk with their friends in the streets, and I have, nothing to do but just kill myself or
wait until I die, y’know? That’s it…’
I looked at Zane and shook my head slightly at him.
‘…Look, you see, if anyone that I knew of were to pass me in the street, sitting in the curb with
a pistol in my mouth and tears in my eyes, they would just pretend not to notice me as they
continued on down the street, laughing with their friends’
‘Seriously?’
Zane took another sip from his beer then added, ‘Alright well, thanks for hanging out, I guess I’ll
see you later then’
‘I’m not going back to that—I just, I feel like shaking you tho’
‘I just, I’m a fucking wreck, ok? I know that, I get that, I’m human garbage, self-pitying,
misogynistic, worthless trash hated by all, that’s cool, I get that. It’s whatever’
‘Look these are just dumb words and ideas. Children have fun and goof around and play
because they don’t know all this shit. If you’ve filled your head up with a bunch of ideas and
noise, maybe off load some of it, y’know?
Laugh at it. Let it go. Damn I’ve thought some crazy shit, ah well. Y’know?
No one’s judging you or wanting to put you on blast here, and if they are, then fuck ‘em’
‘I don’t know man, I just, I doubt I’ll ever have a chance to make love to a woman, really, I
doubt it’ll ever happen, I mean who fucking would right?
And, I try not to think about it, but, I’m reminded of it, every time I walk thru this damn campus
or town, pussy is just everywhere, it’s fucking everywhere, and taking it, from your mind, your
computer, your phone, into reality, is like playing a fucking chess game against Fischer or
Kasparov’
‘You play chess?’
‘Yeah…
And you just always, always need to be thinking about, making the most perfect move,
anticipating counter-reactions and, counter-reactions to counter-reactions, and if you make
one mistake that’s it, you’re out, you’re done—next. And just, it’s no good anymore, it’s no
good anymore. It’s too false, and worn-out and contrived and jaded and nauseatingly complex.
Like, a woman’s body is just the pinacle of all earthly beauty, desire and delight, but you just
have to crawl over glass and thru fucking mud to get to it, and it just doesn’t seem to be fucking
worth it anymore man, fuck.
I just, I leave my room and my computer, and I go out into the world and I look at the people
and the cool and confident and slick guys who’ve mastered this fucked-up game, and the
women who laugh and sigh and go along for the ride and pretend it doesn’t exist, and I just, I
get fucking headaches for it, it’s so bad. I feel so queasy, I can’t stand, that I want to vomit, that
I need to sit down, it’s just too fucking much, man.
I mean, how could I ever hope to be good enough for a creature with an entire universe of
choice? How could I ever hope to compete? And this world, they’ve just cleaned it all up, made
their hatred all fair and polite now, but it’s still there, it’s still there, it still shares the exact same
atavistic desire to see blood, bone, cum, what have you, they’ve only just staked the moral-high
ground out for themselves now, so that they all seem so civilized, so justified in their hatred, so

now instead of homosexuals that they’re hating it’s homophobes, but that’s still exactly what it
is.
I just, I’ve grown to become pretty damn cynical about pretty much everything man, and I don’t
have a single positive thought or wish for anyone. Flush it all down the fucking toilet I say. I’m
done. I’m hated by all and with good reason’
‘Look, Zane. I don’t hate you, ok? I’m sitting here talking with you. I may not agree with you on
everything you say, but I certainly do not hate you, ok?’
Zane took another sip from his beer, then said, ‘Just when I die, my only wish is that none of
these fucking, creatures, come to my funeral and profess their love for me and, like, if I knew, if
I knew that that wasn’t going to happen, if I knew that that wasn’t going to happen, then I’d do
it, honestly, I would’
I looked out at the lights over the campus before us and I soon caught Chad saying from the
sofa behind me, ‘…the impure mind, is that which is possessed of desire, where as the pure
mind is that which is devoid of desire; an old Yogi taught me that while I was staying up in
Varinassi, actually. He taught me a lot of things that man… He taught me that, that self-
discipline is the way to achieve strength of will, breadth of sympathy, loftiness of character and
consequentially all-around social and spiritual efficency…
You see it is, a sin, a sin for us to be unhappy in such a beautiful world.
Like, honestly whenever I hear Zane bitching and moaning to me, about whatever it is, frankly, I
want to slap him.
Like, this life is a journey and we’re all travellers in it and we’ve just got to keep on moving, one
must never grow too attached to the inns we stop in along the way…
And yes, as The Gita tells us, it is always better in our prayers for ourselves and for others, to
have heart without words, than words without heart. Or as I often tell people, who ask me,
Chad why are you so mystical? Chad, why are you always so damn mystical? Mysticism is but
the silent enjoyment of God, that’s all it is. You see, when all of the strings of my life are in tune,
at every touch of God, the divine, the music of life and love will come out of me and it will just
be, so beautiful to hear…’
‘Yeah’ I then heard a young lady in the group reply to this.
‘And I will leave all of my burdens in His, more than capable hands, and come to let go of all
jealousy and bitterness and hatred and never, never need to look back in anger or resentment
or regret ever again’
‘Yeah…’
I continued to look out at the lights in the night, and I soon looked over at Zane who then
seemed to be smoking a fresh cigarette. And when he noticed me looking at him, Zane said, ‘I
don’t know man, I don’t know, people just bore me.
I just, I can’t remember a time when I was actually happy, y’know? Like, maybe when I was a
little itty bitty kid, like, life times and life times ago, before I saw how, fucked-up and dying and
polluted this world was.
And I just, I don’t think there will ever come a time again when I feel happiness, or when man
makes me feel anything beyond boredom or disgust’
Zane drank a little more from his beer, then threw the empty can over the balcony before us.
‘Men are fools’ he then said to me, ‘men are fools, with all their laughter and fun and boredom

and disdain, and indescribably beautiful meaningful loving sex, and their still-kind-of-fun
meaningless sex, and they will just live and die and it will be as if they were never here at all.
There’s just, nothing in man; nothing but pleasure and laughter and sex and fun, and I’m the
only one here…
And that’s, the great beauty of death, like sleep, the second I go under, they all just magically
disappear…
And if you think about it, it puts me in a position of extreme leverage; I’ve only got to put a
pistol in my mouth, or swallow a roll of pills, and all the men and all their ideas will just
magically disappear’
I didn’t respond anything to this and from the other side of the rooftop I soon heard Chad say
to someone or another, ‘if I get a bit weird just go with it, ok?’
And to this I heard a girl reply with a slight laugh, ‘No, that’s ok, I like weird’
‘So tell me about your paintings’ I then said to Zane.
‘I don’t know’ he replied.
‘Nah, c’mon’ I then said to him.
‘I don’t know’
‘…You have this life, that is important, true and real’ I overheard Chad saying from the sofa, and
I briefly glanced back and everyone seemed to be looking at him at once, ‘that, that is what is
important, true, and real. And given that you have this, this incredible opportunity in your
hands, what will you do with it? Will you squander it, or will you embrace it? One moment,
even one moment that is lost, is never coming back; such is the severity of the subject. That is
one thing I learned in India, that this life has to be lead consciously, deliberately…
Consciously, deliberately… Just, think about that for a second, would you? What does it mean
to open your eyes? Delight.
What does it mean to draw in a breath? To feel your heart beating, or light droplets of rain
falling on your head? Embrace this life. Only you can make the decision to do so. No one else
can do that for you…’
‘You’re listen to Chad aren’t you?’ Zane asked me.
‘Yeah, well, he’s kind of got a loud voice’
‘Yeah’
‘You were telling me about your painting…’
‘No I wasn’t. You were asking me to tell you about my painting and I was telling you that I didn’t
know what to say’
‘So you’re studying art?’
‘Nah. Liberal science major’
‘Oh’
‘Yeah.
But I fucking hate it. I mean you finish school, you go to college, right? But I don’t know what
the fuck I’m doing here. And I’m just gonna drop out and then get myself in a bunch of fucking
debt. Barely fucking focus in class, I just draw. I don’t listen to shit. Couldn’t care, about
women’s rights or…’

‘Then why take a course in it, right? Drop it, take an art course instead’
‘Ah, I’d hate that even more. I don’t like showing my art to anyone. Some asshole’d come along
and say it was insensitive or transphobic or something. I’d rather just try and teach myself’
‘Well is it?’
Zane laughed slightly then said, ‘What’s that, transphobic?’
I nodded at Zane.
‘No. That was just an example’
‘Dude, I get it, this age is pretty crazy, it’s like we’re, moving back to the 50s or something in
terms of how conservative and sensitive it’s all getting’
‘Mm’
I took another sip from my beer, ‘I mean on the one hand, yeah sure, it’s nice to be nice, I can
appreciate that, y’know to call people in the restaurant you’re in sir and ma’am and to be
conscious of what y’know, certain people do and don’t like to be called, I can dig that, but like if
I see a photo I don’t like on facebook and I’m like ‘gay’ is the world really gonna spin out of
orbit, I mean, right?’
‘Yeah’
‘…And get your dirty little brown hands offa me!’ I then caught Chad say to the others, to some
laughter from the group, ‘that’s what I said to him, straight up, that’s exactly what I said to him,
word for word.
I don’t know, I was just thinking, y’know, I love dick, and that’s something that’s never going to
change, but the male gender, it quite simply repulses me, I just can’t stand men in that sense,
y’know? So I thought, the solution to this problem; a ladyboy—the best of both worlds’
‘Sure’ I heard one of the girls in the group reply to this.
‘Anyway I was not expecting it to all go so far south, so soon. I mean, he was wearing a wig for
chrissakes. The internet lied to me. Anime lied to me’
‘Poor Chad’
‘But anyway, live and learn right? Anyway, I’m planning a trip to Thailand over the fall
holidays…
And of course you guys all know the story by now of my antics in Scotland on the way back,
where I soon earned myself the nickname The Winter Laddie, The Winter Laddie. Aye lok ‘ere
comes dae Winter Laddie. They call everyone lad over there, it’s like ‘buddy’ or ‘guy’ or
whatever’
Zane and I continued to sit in our chairs, and I soon noticed that Zane was looking at me
without smiling, and when I caught his eye he returned to looking straight ahead again. And the
whole while I could still hear the others laughing and talking behind us.
After a shortwhile, I said to Zane, ‘Well, how about we go and sit back with the others now?’
‘Ok, sure, whatever’ he replied.
I then got up and picked up my chair. ‘Well are you coming or…?’ I then said to Zane.
‘You go ahead, I’m just gonna smoke another cigarette’
‘You’re chain smoking three in a row?’

Zane shrugged.
‘Ok sure, well, so long. It was nice talking to you’
‘Mm’
I then went back over to where the others were sitting with my chair, then set it back down
again and rejoined them. And I noticed that two more people were sitting with the others on
some chairs down from the coach; one was a rather handsome young asian man, with short
black hair who had on a sweater with grey bars of various widths on it, and a pair of blue jeans,
and the other was a rather pretty young blonde woman, who had on a short black skirt and a
tight light pink sweater.
‘Hi guys’ I said to the pair with a wave.
‘Hi, I’m Melanie’ the blonde girl then said to me in a rather bright voice as she leant forward to
offer me her hand. ‘Hey, I’m Wanda’ I replied, then got up and crept over to the girl and knelt
before her as I shook her hand.
‘Hey’ she replied with a slight laugh.
‘Leslie’ the other young man then said to me as he offered me his hand which I shook as well.
‘Hey’ I then said to him, ‘Wanda’
‘Nice to meet you’ Leslie replied, ‘You’re also posted up here?’
‘In this dorm?’ I said as I returned to my chair.
‘Yeah’
‘Yeah, yeah just moved in today in fact’
‘Ah, nice’
‘Wanda, you’re just in time’ Chad then said to me, ‘lookie what I found while I went downstairs
to greet our guests, and pick up a new bottle of scotch’ Chad then held up a notepad, which
had a black and white speckled cover, save for a small black boarded box in its centre which had
some ruled lines in it, over which was written, ‘Zane’s Journal. Private’ Up the notepad’s spine,
measuring out an an inch or so there was affixed a strip of some black fabric or another, and it
looked rather neat and like the journal had come like that, and that it was there to strengthen
the book or something.
‘Ah shit’ I then said with a slight laugh.
‘Uh huh. Found fuck face, emo boy’s journal’ Chad then said to me, ‘the dumbass literally left it
right out on the coffee table’
I paused for a moment then said, ‘Ok, ok, so maybe it’s like, a cry for help, like maybe he left it
out there cause he wanted us to find it’
‘Uh huh’ Chad replid with a slight laugh, ‘someone’s a nosy parker’
‘Hey, don’t look at me, man’ I replied as I put my hands up before myself, ‘I’m not the one who
took the journal from where he left it’
Chad looked at me for a moment, then he opened up the journal, and began to slowly look thru
it, occassionally flipping its pages, in silence.
‘What’s it say, what’s it say?’ I soon said to him.
Chad raised an index finger before him briefly as he continued to look thru the journal and he
soon flipped one of its pages again.
‘C’mon what’s it say?’ Jennifer, who was still sitting before Chad on one of the wickerchairs,
then asked him.

‘Yeah c’mon Chad, don’t do this to us bro’ Leslie then said to Chad with a slight laugh.
Chad continued to slowly peruse the book, and soon he began to read aloud from it in a rather
affected voice, ‘One candy sliding up to join his fellows and form a fish, an image, embossed on
my mind as man sliding into man, a plastic equivalent of what, in fact may too be—or no, no,
sorry, I fucked it up there for a second— a plastic equivalent of what, in fact may be too, or at
least, some serpant with all the venom drained, and in lack of all action or appeal an arm aching
to open as a mouth, a life as an age without sleep, of sterile creatures, and no shape nor word
hoping to meet half a curve beneath tight cloth, and sisyphean waste to draw focus of, oh,
promise of man’s absence, lady of life and warm whisper of stranger things’
‘Wait, wait, man sliding in to man, do you think that mean’s he’s queer?’ Melanie then said as
she leaned forward a little towards Chad.
‘Well, he has a right to that narrative’ Jennifer replied.
‘No, no, but the lady of life bit then later, maybe he’s bi?’ Annie then said.
‘Wait, wait, it goes on, it gets better’ Chad then said with a slight laugh.
‘Oh?’ I replied.
‘Yeah, ok so; and yet when I paint, I feel as if I am free of man, or at least his harsher aspects,
you see, sometimes, when I’m working on a surrealistic painting, it feels as if I’m somehow
seeing inside a dream, like things will be coming out of my subconscious and evolving around
me as I work. Like say, I’ll be painting someone, a lady’s face green for example, and I won’t
realize that I’m using, employing this color of envy until I’m halfway thru it, like, I initially
would’ve picked out that colour completely out of the blue, or say, you’ll paint a woman and
then, when it’s finished you’ll look back at it, and notice, just then, like not while you were
working on it, but afterwards, that her nose is kind of small, and that her lips are especially
large, and you’ll look at it, and it’ll seem to speak to you of a heightened sensuality in the girl, as
if she might be liable to devour you whole with her ardent kisses, or say, that which might, start
as a memory of some lesbian adult video, in time might come to evolve into a girl-child
dreaming of monsters.
Though of late, although I know certain things, like painting or at least, trying to paint, might
make me feel better, I just don’t seem to have the energy, the strength of will, the inclination,
to try anymore. And I just look at my half-finished canvases and they seem to scream at me,
‘Fuck you! Anything you attempt to put on me will look bad. You cannot paint anymore. You
cannot paint anymore’
Then this entry’s ruled off, then beneath it, is written…’
I then noticed in my peripheries that Zane was starting to head towards the door, a shortway
beyond where I was sitting which lead back into the dorm.
And I then watched as Chad lowered his journal with a slight laugh, and once Zane had left, and
was presumably a good deal out of earshot, Chad took the journal back up again, pretended to
wipe some sweat of his brow, then said to us all, ‘Ok, so, that last entry was ruled off, and
beneath it is written; Just finished watching a porno, cute as hell little white girl—’
‘Oh, here comes goodly gear’ I then interjected.
‘Ok, so as I was reading, before Wanda, so rudely interupted’ Chad then said.
‘Hey’

‘Alright, so, anyway; just finished watching a porno’
‘Mm…’
‘Shut the fuck up’ returning to the journal Chad then read, ‘Just finished watching a porno, cute
as hell little white girl. Mm—what the fuck was her name? Bailey Lane, Bailey Jane, something
like that. Cute as a fucking button, and she was in this white little blouse, and this little tartan
pleated skirt—ah, fuck, what was her name? I could look it up again, I suppose, eh. I’m sure it’s
in my history, until I have another little episode and feel compelled to delete it all again’
‘Shit’ I muttered here.
‘So do you think that means that he’s a…’ Melanie, the lady in the tight pink sweater then said.
‘Ah god’ another one of the girls then said.
‘I hope he doesn’t look at that sort of shit on our wifi’ Catherine then added.
‘Ah my god’ Annie then said.
‘Unless it just means he’s queer and deletes his history after looking at gay porn’ I then
suggested.
‘I don’t know, I don’t know’ Chad replied, ‘Anyway, it goes on… Alright so…
Anyway, I remember that in the opening scenes of the clip, the girl—fuck, what the fuck was
her name? This is killing me, I’m gonna look it up—Blaire Ivory.
And I remember that in the opening scenes of the clip, the girl, Ms. Ivory, fair skinned, slight,
soft-faced Ms. Ivory, with the the little red bow in her hair, the rounded red plastic earings, and
the thigh high white socks, saying to her tutor, a bald thirty-something handsome young
hispanic gentleman in grey shirtsleeves, as she sat with him in his study, ‘I’ve always wanted to
suck a cock’ And then thinking to myself here, something to the effect of, ‘oh please, bitch, am I
watching a comedy or a porno here?’
And I notice, that I’m growing more and more hateful by the day, drifting forever further and
further out from what one might call the isle of man, or as the poet once termed it, ‘villain,
thou know’st not law of God nor man; no beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.
—Ay, but I know none, and therefore am no beast’
I remember, back home in Milwaukee a while back, there was this cockroach in my room, not a
big one, mind, but a rather small one, half an inch or so, perhaps, and I’d spotted him below the
little table at the foot of my bed, whilst I was making some adjustments to an old painting of
mine, and I had this, it must’ve been something metal in my hand, something I picked up,
maybe like a ruler, a metal wood-shop ruler, that I’d stolen before graduation, or something
like that say, and I was trying to squish the little guy, with the ruler, as I didn’t want him,
y’know, crawling over my mouth as I slept, or in my bed, or crawling over my toothbrush in my
ensuite bathroom, or my food or—I mean, it’s nothing personal it’s just the way it is right?
But he was crafty and he knew that this big metal thing, digging itself down into the carpet,
again and again, inches from him, spelled his end if he got anywhere near it. And so he was
feeling around with his little antena and running off to hide, and he hid behind the leg of my
table for a spell, and then I pulled it forwards and he was off again, and to stop him from
darting off out of reach too far beyond the legs below the table, I started chopping down into
the carpet, in that direction, with the ruler—I’m quite sure that was it now— and so he, got
scared of heading that way and darted off the opposite way and he was a nimble little guy and I
felt almost like I was Dahl in his little Hurricane, trying to pin down the hun, with the sun in my
eyes and whatever else. And eventually I got him, I got him, with the ruler right down in the

middle of his back and it didn’t kill him outright and I pinned him there, so that he couldn’t get
away, and he was struggling his little legs around and then I removed the ruler and he was still
trying to move, I mean, what do you do right? You’re dying, and help’s not gonna come, but you
still gotta move, you still gotta try, right? What else can you do? And eventually I picked him up
by one of his little antena, and went and opened up my window and threw him out of it, and
I’m four stories up, and I don’t know, maybe cockroaches and bugs and whatever else, don’t fall
the same way men do and the impact doesn’t kill them, as there’s not enough weight behind
them or whatever, and he was just lying around there dying half dead on the ground for
however long.
And where as a man, assuming the existance of such an entity outside of my mind, would
presumably feel some sympathy or woe for the little bug, I just, felt nothing… Not even
aggression towards him, not penitence, not that I’d done the right thing, I just felt blank.
I’m just, I’m not a very happy person, I guess, so where do I go from there?’ Chad stopped
reading then said to us, ‘Do you want me to go on, or have you had enough yet?
I mean, wouldn’t you rather, hear about me on a warm beach in Goa somewhere with a cold
drink in my hand? I mean, I’ve got stories man… I’ve got stories… Om beach at dusk when the
sun’s going down…’
‘No, go on’ I said, ‘I want to hear the end of it, please’
‘Yeah go on, finish the entry’ someone else in the group added.
Returning to the journal Chad then began to read, ‘Ok so, I’m not a very happy person, I guess,
so where do I go from there? I mean, you’re jealous, scared, bitter, lonely and not at all
desirable.
I try to look on the bright side, really I do, but it’s hard and sometimes I just feel like, how I
would like to feel what they feel, see what they see, those pleasure of a normal man; the love
of a woman, to share a joke or a story with her over a beer, to see her taking off her sweater,
then her bra; to clutch her shoulders perhaps in our lovemaking as I begin to climax; to be a
person, like all the other people.
I just, I don’t think of myself as better than any other man, I’m just another human being, and I
just need a little affection, for a woman to look at me with something besides, boredom or
indifference in her eyes. And I just feel so damn jealous of all the other men. I see them on
instagram and facebook, and everything is just bright and fun and blank and how I do loathe
them…
I must stop smoking hash. The headaches are bad. And I’m having trouble sleeping. I look at the
half-finished paintings, and I cannot, I cannot return to them. Everything seems to be stress, all
the men and women carbon copies of each other. Women seem the pathways, to happiness,
the ideal, y’know? Some image of a cigarette dangling out of your mouth, sitting beside a
beautiful girl in a chevrolet, you driving and her holding a cold glass condensation-beaded
bottle of coke, with the open road before you, and stars overhead, and everything that might
lay out there in them, planets, aliens, whatever, and later laying beneath them with the girl
contemplating all this, with sleeping bags, a fire maybe, a cheap bottle of whiskey.
–Do you want me to go on?’ Chad then asked the group.
‘Yes, dude, please, go on, finish the damn entry’ I then said.
‘Yeah dude, you might as well you’ve come this far’ Leslie then added.
‘Ok, ok, so; that’s the ideal, but it seems so damn impossible. Just, everyone’s got an opinion

and nothing can be agreed upon’ Chad laughed slightly here, ‘Man grows by the warmth of
woman, to lie in bed with a woman who loves you, to have her wake you in the night to tell you
of her dreams, but it seems too damn hard, and men seem nothing but the guardians of
women, man is not man’s friend as he knows that women are the the keys to happiness and so
will do all in his power to prevent other men from getting their hands on what he desires. A
man has never seen another man as anything but a threat to his joy. And women are all
oblivious to this of course, and just appreciate the fun and attention’
‘Seriously?’ Jennifer then put in.
‘…And I dissect, second guess all of my thoughts, words, words, words, I could drown in them.
And men won’t ever have anything but more.
And I just, I don’t have the damn energy to do or make anything of myself. I see a girl and I
know she would have nothing to do with a piece of shit like me, in all my bitterness, in all my
cloudy regret, and I couldn’t even look at her sober, let alone talk to her. Just everything seems
more stress and judgement. And I know that they would so gladly, crucify, lynch me, if they
knew but half of what went on in my head. And I feel I can just hear their voices now… ‘Grow
up Zane. Get over it. Let go’
Or perhaps they would just have nothing to say to me at all, they would just look at me with
disdain as they just slowly shake their heads.
Ah, how I would like to trap one of them down here, while I laugh and frollick and love up there
in their place.
Ah god, what am I even saying, man? I just, I can’t be here. I can’t fucking be here anymore,
man.
I’ve grown to become pretty damn cynical about pretty much everything these days. Opinions
and opinions and subjective interprations of everything, and it all spinning around my head, and
leading back to nothing but threat, as every post they make just tells seven billion different,
slight variations of the same fucking light-hearted fun success story. Oh, friendship and
commerce mix as fire and fuel, when men become adverts and information confetti.
Just, I look at all of the brightness, and every day I curse the fact that I wasn’t born as a woman.
As I cannot learn to be confident, the only trick up the sleeve of a man.
Being born as a girl in the west seems like having won the lottery of life. From there on out it
seems it will all be nothing but sex, love, friends and parties—misogynistic much?’ Chad then
put in here.
‘Mmm’ one of the ladies in the group then added.
‘Could you just finish the entry?’ I said.
‘And if anyone can’t entertain you as much as you’d like you can just throw them out and near
immediately replace them with someone else, an improvement even, most like—God…’ saving
his place in the journal with his thumb, Chad then flicked ahead thru the book, and he then
said, ‘alright so there’s like, six pages to go, do you guys want to hear the end of it?’
‘Yeah, dude, you don’t have to keep asking us that’ I said.
‘Yeah’ someone else added.
Chad then opened up the journal again and looked at it for a shortwhile in silence before
saying, ‘Ah god, are you sure you want to hear it? It’s pretty fucked up’
‘Dude, you saying that just makes us want to hear it more’ I replied.
‘Alright so; an at least reasonably pretty woman, is like a very wealthy man eating in a

resturant; when she can have anything on the menu it is impossible for her to accept anything
but the very best’
‘I can’t listen to anymore of this’ Annie then said, ‘I’m going to go back to my painting’ She then
got up, and said to the group, ‘bye guys, have a beautiful evening, if anyone wants me I’ll be
downstairs, ok?’
‘Bye Annie’ Catherine replied.
‘Bye guys’ Annie then said with a wave, and a few other people said goodbye to her, then she
started to head off towards the door behind us, leading back into the dorm.
‘A woman is like a mannequin that can walk’ Chad then read from the journal, ‘You can’t
interact with them, anymore than you could hope to with a mannequin. All you can do is just
watch them walk around with their friends and lovers and have fun. And there’s just nothing
there in any of them but fun, pleasure and fun. And on the off chance that one of them is
walking on her own, she’s going somewhere, going to meet someone, she’s never just bored
and lonely and wandering around aimlessly, she will always have somewhere to go, something
to do, someone to meet.
And if you stop to look at, or even attempt to talk to them they’ll be able to see right thru
someone lacking confidence like you, and be disgusted that you had the gall to try.
Or I suppose if I was a confident slick guy, or I’d learnt how to play guitar or whatever, I
wouldn’t be saying shit like this, and I’d rather be singing their praises and despising a sexist
worm such as myself, and I wouldn’t want to spend one second on someone as hateful as me,
as there would be warm and beautiful and misunderstood and not at all cold and aloof women
to spend time with...’
Chad stopped reading aloud, then slowly began to scan his eyes down the page, he turned it,
then scanned his eyes down the following page for a shortwhile, before reading aloud from it,
‘…the machine seeks to assimilate all with it, whatever it cannot assimilate it destroys, blah,
blah, blah…
…the second someone likes something that I’ve created, in that moment I will know that I am
not an artist, as the machine only likes, only accepts works that are polite and inoffensive and
anything that has a scrap of vulnerability or truth about it… Blah, blah, blah, more ranting’ Chad
continued to scan his eyes down the two-page-spread before him, and soon turned another
page, then scanned his eyes down the new two-page-spread before him for a shortwhile before
saying, ‘More, misogynistic madness; my whole life I’ve been a loser and women have never felt
anything but boredom and disgust towards me. Poor me’
‘Heh’ I replied.
‘…if you come into this world as a male you can either learn how to play guitar or you can kill
yourself to make the loneliness end. Ok, then. Great attitude…
What else? Blah, blah, blah…’ Chad continued to flick his eyes down thru the journal, and a
shortwhile later he read out from it, ‘Having a friend is like playing a chess a game with an
opponent who is much stronger than you, in any friendship, especially one with a woman, there
is no room for the weak, you cannot err or falter even for a moment’
‘He’s like a broken record’ Amber then said, ‘he just keeps repeating the same things over and
over’
‘There’s no proof that women exist and perhaps I’d be happy to learn that they didn’t’ Chad
then went on from the journal, ‘It just seems like another one of his cruel tricks; to create

something so desirable, yet conversely so out of reach, impossible to ever possess. And I’m just
so fucking sick of this, of running thru this game on fucking nightmare difficulty. And I’m just
done. Life is just like a shitty movie and I don’t see why I shouldn’t just turn it off...
Just, everyone just seems to hate me for being such a negative creep and I deserve everything
that I get for being so bitter, and I get it, alright, it’s a harsh fucking world, filled with harsh
people, and love was never anything but a fucking marketing ploy, but I didn’t ask to be bought
into this fucking world man.
I’ve just, I’ve lost all hope, all faith in man. At this stage I feel as if I wouldn’t be at all surprised,
if I was to start cutting my arms open in the street, and if others were to just pretend not to see
me, or perhaps rather to get their phones out and start recording the spectacle.
It’s just, it’s a harsh world. But what else is new? If someone says they care about you, take
those words with a grain of salt, as quite possibly in a few months they won’t even be able to
remember your name.
Ah god, I can’t fucking stand myself, see this, this is what I have to listen to every fucking
moment since I’ve woken or my sidestepping around such dark dells in my mind, and I just, I
can’t fucking do it anymore. I can’t fucking do it anymore man. If it’s all just stress and no
pleasure, then why bother? Honestly, why bother?
People always say that suicide is a cowardly act, or selfish, or a cop-out or ‘the express train to
faggot town’ or whatever other shit along those lines. Yet, I don’t see why it should be. If it’s my
life, then why shouldn’t I be able to throw it away? Why should I have to stay on in a boring and
blank world full of boring and blank people?
You want to know what I think is selfish? Half-heartedly telling someone that you could not give
a shit about that they have to live on in a hell so that you can feel better about yourself, more
socially-conscious.
And they’ll all always tell you that you have a choice as to whether you wish to feel happy or
sad, and that it’s ultimately up to you, but why would anyone ever fucking choose to feel like
this?
They just don’t know and they don’t wish to know and they wish to just quickly and carelessly
sweep it all under the rug so that they can then go back to laughing and fucking and having fun.
And just their complete indifference towards me and lack of concern, it’s entirely mutual; any
of them could die, or they could win the lotto, or they could get married or have kids and none
of these things would matter one way or the other, and I probably wouldn’t even hear about
them except, second hand thru some status update.
I wish that I could see one of them, just one of them feel something besides elation or minor
romantic confusion for once.
And if ever I have a wife and we find out that our child is to be a boy, I will beg her, I will get
down on my knees and beg her to abort him, and to let us try again for a girl, so that he would
never need know what it is like to be a man in this bullshit dying world.
I think sex is nice— it’s in commas here, so I think maybe he’s referencing something someone
said once maybe’ Chad put in here.
‘Ok’ I replied to this.
‘I think sex is nice.
Heh. And now I realize the most perfect thing to say to her; ‘that’s because you’ve always been
able to have it’

This world is full of noises and bright ghosts.
And I remember last night I felt as if aliens or maybe even the dead, were trying to send me
strange signals in my sleep. And they seemed so, full of arcane meaning, but then when I
awoke, I only had some worthless vague scraps, that I could no longer quite place, but then,
when I was under I was certain, certain that they were trying to communicate with me, to send
me, some sort of message somehow, like some radiowave, from beyond the stars, and it was so
clear to me then, and I was saying to myself, ‘that’s beautiful, that’s genius, that’s it’, and ‘why
did they chose me? Why did they chose me?’
And it seemed so real, or maybe I’m just mad…
What else? In other news I have returned to browsing adult websites.
Ah hell, I feel there’s no point now in abstaining from such a vice.
Like you try to save up all your desire, so that you can really have a proper crack at making love
to a woman should the opportunity present itself, but it’s just no good, it’s just no good, if
you’re not a woman, you have to be a hunter, and I can’t hunt, I don’t have the will, so you just
might as well do it anyway, kill the time, look at the girls, get the brief flashes of pleasure.
And what else? Many days have gone by on which I’ve not had the energy to paint, on which
I’ve sat before my phone, scrolling down and down thru instagram or facebook or crushed
candy, or whatever it’s been. Long planes of water stretch out before me. A slow splashing of
waves and I continue to tread water. Taste the salt. Honestly I feel surprised I even opened this
journal now. It’s cover might as well have been made of thick lead.
Everything is slowly being washed away, the faces, the names, the platitudes, the agonies. The
world is slowing in its spinning. And is it any wonder the peacock’s a male and the peafowl so
unostentatious?
My chest hurts from nervous exhaustion…
And I didn’t ask for things to be like this. I didn’t ask for this world to be so damn hostile and
cagey and for everything to be slowly dying, but it’s just, the way things are man. And I don’t
want to be here anymore, I just quite simply don’t.
I went to a bodega to get something to eat and some cigarettes earlier today and the old Arabic
shop tender said to me, ‘take’ as he placed my change on the counter, just as they laugh and
sigh, this world has never seemed to much warm to me.
And I just don’t like living anymore. So why bother? Yet you tell people that and all you ever
hear back from them is just tough love, pull your own damn self up by your bootstraps, if I did it
so can you, so don’t go crying into your fuckin’ beer to me. Ah, if only their hearts but winked at
their form but for whatever I might see, or what might be, I just, can’t deal anymore.
All the girls in the streets look like they’d sooner face a firing squad then make eye contact with
me and I watch them walk and laugh with their friends, and I know what the men in such
groups would be like if I were to attempt to approach them, so I don’t bother.
And I think I should just leave. Just say the hell with it all and just leave man. Yikes…’ Chad then
put in here with a slight laugh.
‘Could you just, finish reading the entry?’ I replied.
Chad looked at me for a moment, then returned to the journal, ‘Oh, and this, from the other
night, that I forgot to write down.
It was a Friday night, right and I thought, ‘why not, right? Might as well go downtown and into a
bar or what have you and see what the tail is like out.

And so I headed downtown, right, and soon, I found myself on a curb outfront a bar, smoking a
cigarette on my own, and I soon saw, two Canadians approach these two beautiful girls a
shortway before me, and the girls were both in booty shorts, with shapely long legs, and I was
clearly there on my own, and I chained smoke two cigarettes as I looked at the group, so I
would’ve been there for about a good ten minutes at least and all four of them couldn’t’ve
been further than say about, three or four yards ahead of me. And I watched as the two men
introduced themselves to the girls and talked and joked with them, and asked them where they
were from, and of course as they didn’t want anything from me, I was just, entirely overlooked
and the girls of course, didn’t give a damn about some weak creepy guy sitting there on his own
smoking cigarettes; if he didn’t have the courage to approach them, then it was just kind of
creepy and weird for him to be there looking at them, but luckily they had the two other guys
with them then, to protect them if he were to start anything.
And of course the group would sneer if I were to attempt to approach them, and it would be
weird, though of course the guys weren’t worried about that, as they knew that a weak beta-
male bitch like myself wouldn’t try anything. And of course the girls didn’t care as girls just like
to have fun and be admired and don’t ever really like to think too much about things and as
long as this world spins, women will be like this, and man will be man’s enemy, as pussy is and
forever will be all’
‘Whoa, ok’ Jennifer then said.
‘Could we just, stop fucking interupting him for a second and let him finish the entry?’ I said.
‘Whoa’ Jennifer said as she looked at me.
‘It’s nearly finished anyway’ Chad then said, as he flicked ahead a page, while saving his place in
the journal with his thumb.
Everyone was silent for a moment, then Chad returned to the journal,
‘Or as the poet would have it, Friendship is a constant in all other things save for the affairs and
office of love, therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues, let every eye negotiate for
itself and trust no agent, for beauty is a witch against whose charms faith melteth into blood,
this is an accident of hourly proof which I mistrusted not’
‘Ok then…’ Melanie then said.
‘Anyway, I soon split without a word to the group’ Chad then continued from the journal, ‘But
later, as I continued to walk on around town, I revised the situation in my head, and had myself
approaching the group, then saying to one of the young men, ‘Look, I’m sorry that I don’t have,
a pretty femine body, but where I come from folk treat each other with respect, and that
includes caring for those in need, caring for people for more than just what you want out of
them. And like you could see, you could fucking see that I was miserable and lonely and sitting
there on my own not three yards from you, for a good 10 minutes at least, and like what, what
would’ve it taken for you to have acknowledged me? Had I been a girl sitting there would you
have said, ‘hey what’s your name, why don’t’ you come and join us?’ Well yeah, you would’ve.
Had I have gotten my cigarette and started burning my arm with it? Would you’ve given a shit,
done anything then, or just pretended not to notice?
How about a razorblade? Had I taken out a razorblade and started to cut into my forearm with
it? Would you’ve done anything then? I just, I want you to know, that you can fuck every last
girl in this world but that won’t make you a man’

I just, I wish I’d been born as a girl. I wish I’d came into this world as a pretty girl in a half decent
country so that I could have friends and people who gave a damn about me.
And it’s not like I feel trapped in the wrong body, or any shit like that, so much as I just feel
trapped in the wrong world. And I just wish I was someone that this silly little world gave a
damn about. Someone that would never need to feel bored or lonely, or without friends or a
lover, or somewhere to go, something to do on the weekend.
It just seems everyone constantly falls over itself to prove how fair and tolerant it now is, but
it’s not built on any love, except that of image, and I just— if I knew that life after death was
real, I swear to god man, I would be so fucking outta here. It’s just all going to fucking—‘
Chad stopped reading here, and everyone seemed to be looking at him at once.
And after a short silence, I said to him, ‘It’s just all going to fucking what…?’
‘Doesn’t say, the entry ends there’
‘Oh, what’s the next entry say then?’
‘That’s the last entry’
‘Ah, bummer’
‘…I don’t think I’m an alpha male though’
‘Who said anything about that?’ I replied.
‘Oh, did I read that bit aloud or just in my head?’
I laughed slightly then said ‘I, can’t remember, did you?’
‘Or well, ok so he was bitching about how he wasn’t alpha like me for a spell, but I was just
gonna say, that…—or, I mean if I am an alpha, it’s not like that’s what I’m setting out to be,
y’know? It’s just a by-product of me being my natural confident self, y’know?’
‘Yeah’
‘And really, what’s wrong with being confident? It’s better than bawing over all your problems
and just constantly always looking for someone else to blame for them, like old Zaney-boy here’
‘Yeah, I mean, well firstly it was all pretty much misogynistic as hell’ Amber then said, ‘and he
just kept on repeating himself so much. It’s like, ‘ok, dude, we get it, you don’t like women’
‘What really got me was that part where he was like, ‘I deleted my internet history after having
another episode’ or something like that. Like that shit was straight up creepy yo’ Leslie said.
‘Yeah’ Catherine said.
‘Yeah, I think part of his problem is that he spins absolutely everything into a negative’ Jennifer
then said, ‘like when he was sitting there on that curb smoking, watching those other people
talking and silently resenting them, maybe they just straight up didn’t notice him, and if he was
to go over there and introduce himself to them, they’d actually be really friendly warm people’
‘Yeah dude, I mean—‘ Leslie then began.
‘Whoops’ Chad then interjected as he tossed the journal over his shoulder, over the balcony
behind him.
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I said.
‘Ah well, maybe it’ll still be there tomorrow, maybe it won’t’ Chad then replied, ‘Honestly, if it’s
not I’d say I’ve done him a favour, I mean, it’s about time he turned over a new leaf. Maybe
he’ll start a new journal that won’t be so damn misogynistic, self-pitying and bitchy’
‘Yeah dude, word’ one of the ladies in the group then replied, I didn’t see which.
We were all silent for a shortwhile then Chad said, ‘Anyway, before we all got so wrapped up in

that guy’s negativity and bullshit, I was going to tell you guys about this one thing that
happened to me in Varinassi, like, right before I left’
‘Oh’, I heard someone reply to this.
‘Yeah, yeah’ Chad went on, ‘It was like, the trippiest thing ever, right? Myself and this Israeli girl
I was traveling with at the time, we took this boat ride on the Gangees right? Like, right as the
sun was starting to go down… And the sky was just starting to turn mauve, and there were all
these, these low laying clouds hanging like, right over the water’
‘Shit. That actually sounds really pretty…’ Catherine said.
‘Yeah, right, it was amazing’ Chad replied, ‘And anyway, after taking us down river for a stretch
our boat driver was like to us, ‘do you guys want to see a dead body?’ Do you guys want to see
a dead body, right?
So we were both like, ‘hell yeah, we want to see a dead body’ A few people in the group
laughed at this, ‘and so he takes us, the driver, in this little wooden boat were in, with an old
outboard on the back, right, he takes us down river to where they row out in their little boats
and dump all the bodies, like they put them in those empty heshian rice sacks, that you see all
over India, right? Like they’ll sew a couple of those together and put a body and some stones in
them, then row out and drop them in the river, right?’
‘Yeah’ I caught someone reply.
‘And anyway, over time, the, the thread that they’d use to sew these bags together with, it rots
away, right? I mean they use thick threads but it can’t stand the test of time forever, right?’
‘Yeah?’ Catherine replied as she leaned forward towards Chad in her seat slightly.
‘And so after it rots away the bodies float up to the surface, and if you can imagine both of us
there, corpses floating in the river all around us and low laying clouds over the water… And he’s
cut the outboard motor right, and we’re just drifting on the slow current of the river as the
light’s fading away. And soon on one of the banks right, I remember seeing this woman, and I
could only really see her silhouette, as the light was really starting to fade and she looked like
this old woman, this old hunched over woman, and I could just see the withered wrinkles on
her face, and I just, I remember getting this feeling like she was some witch, right? Just some
old witch, looking at us, humorlessly, dispassionately from the bank’
‘Shit…’ a girl in the group replied.
‘Yeah. And as we slowly drifted passed her, I remember I pictured my little sister, somewhere,
out there running away across the oval of our old school, towards the concrete playground, just
after it’d rained and with the street lights all blooming yellow over the wet cement and grass’
‘Yeah…’
‘And the girl and I—shit, I can’t actually remember her name now, is that bad?’
‘I don’t know’
‘We smoked opium that night when we got back to our hotel room, and I remember having the
queerest dreams that night. I keep a dream journal, and honestly I would recommend anyone
here to do so’
‘Ok’
‘And shit, shit, man… That night, the dreams I had as I laid there in that little old anicent hotel
room holding her…’
‘…What sort of dreams?’ I asked Chad.
‘Well, if you accept that the soul, can only find it’s truth by unifying itself with others, that, only

then, can it find joy, then our dream like wanderings are, stories of us, searching for truth, for
joy, searching for a partner even, perhaps’
‘Yeah’ I replied.
Chad paused for a moment then, as he looked at me, he said, ‘We can learn a lot from our
dreams, they are often our greatest teachers’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah, I’ve learnt a lot from mine’
‘Ok, so namely…?’
‘All sorts of things…’
‘But you’re not saying any of them…’
‘Ok, like, so that we should always reflect before speaking, know how to speak by, not words,
but silence, that we should, restrain our tongues when our hearts are agitated, and be silent
when we feel our greatest desire to talk’
‘Are you sure you didn’t learn that from the Gita?’ I replied. And several people in the group
laughed at this.
‘No, no, from dreams’ Chad went on, ‘And what else? That we should never try to excuse
ourselves, and aim to speak always with modesty, and never, directly against the truth, always
with discretion and always hold in check our tendencies to, to pour ourselves out in
conversation when the wind blows fair, as they say’
‘You really, really learned all of this thru your dreams?’
‘Yeah, sure, messages I’ve received, conversations I’ve had in them, sure. Might not have
retained it all if not for my dream journal, but like I said, that’s why I’d recommend keeping one
to anyone’
‘What about those dreams you had that night, I mean, after you went out and saw all those
dead bodies and smoked the opium with the girl?’
‘…Wanda, you’re walking thru a forest…’
‘What, you dreamed of me walking thru a forest? I’m confused’
‘No, no, don’t worry, this is something different now, just, just go with it, ok?’
‘Alright’
‘Ok, so you’re walking thru a forest’
‘Ok. Sure. Great’
‘And after walking for sometime you find on the ground, amongst the overgrowth; the rotting
leaves and sticks and twigs, beside the path, this cube, and what I want to know from you is
what does this cube look like?’
‘What does the cube look like? That I’ve found on the ground?’
‘Yeah’
‘Hmm, ok, ok, so…. And I can just make it up? It’s up to me entirely what it’s like?’
‘Yeah’
‘Alright, alright, so, it’s like this wooden box, right, this—‘
‘How big is it?’
‘I’m getting to that. I was getting to that’ I paused for a moment then as I measured about four
or five inches out between my fingers and thumbs, I added, ‘Alright, so it’s about, yay-big…
And you said it’s gotta be a cube, yeah?’
‘Yeah’

‘So it’s a cube, about that size’
‘Ok’
‘And it’s got all of these, strange ornate tribal engravings on it, like, like something out of
Jumanji, right? And it’s also got this big lock on the front of it, like, this queer, ornate old
fashioned lock, fastening a metal hasp or, whatever its called on the front of it, so I can’t open it
up or find out what’s inside’
‘I think you mean a padlock, but whatever’ Chad replied.
‘No padlock’s the name of the lock, I was more searching for the name of the thing that the
padlock goes thru’
‘Well it’s certainly not a hasp’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, dude, a hasp is like one of those bolts that you…’ Chad then did a little mime here.
‘Well, whatever, that’s neither here nor there. Anyhow, the important thing is that everyone
here knows what I’m talking about right? So it’s, this old wooden, maybe African tribal box,
with queer engravings on it like out of Jumanji, with it’s lid secured with a padlock thru a—I
want to say hasp here, but whatever, whatever’
‘Alright, alright’ Chad replied, ‘And this box, this cube, do you pick it up and take it with you, or
do you just leave it there?’
‘Well, of course, I’ve got to take it with me right? I gotta find a place where I can smash the lock
off and find out what’s inside’
‘Ok, so you pick up the box, and you take it with you, and you walk on thru the forest, with it…’
‘Yeah?’
‘And after walking on for sometime, you come to find this ladder, this ladder right? Now,
describe to me, if you will, where you’ve come to see this ladder, and what it looks like’
‘Alright, alright, ok, so, so, gimme a sec here, alright?’
‘Sure’
‘…Alright, alright, so the ladder’s bound with rope to the trunk of this tall tree, right? This very
thick strudy tall tree, and at the top of it, or like somewhere high up, near its top, there’s this
series of tree houses, like a tree house village, right? Up amongst the canopy of the forest, with
all of these little—’
‘Like an Ewok village?’ Leslie interjected with a slight laugh here, ‘like, out of Star Wars?’
‘Yeah, yeah sure, except with—’
‘Ok, ok so an Ewok village, we get it, we’ve all seen Star Wars’ Chad then interjected with a
slight laugh.
‘Yeah, well, something like that, I don’t know’ I replied with a slight laugh.
‘Alright, so you keep on walking on thru the forest’
‘Sure’
‘And after awhile you come to find this animal. Describe to me the animal’
‘An ewok!’
‘Really?’
‘No, just kidding, uh, gimme a sec here. I’m gonna need you to gimme a sec here, ok?’
‘Sure’
‘Hmm, ok, so, I always like, really loved The Chronicles of Narnia when I was younger… So it’s

like this talking horse, like out of The Horse and his Boy. No it’s not just a taking horse, it’s the
talking horse out of those books. It’s Ash. Did you, did you ever read those books?’
‘Nah’
‘Alright, so there’s this one book out of them that I always really loved, called the Horse and his
Boy and the boy in it, Shasta, he has this talking horse called Ash, and everyone treats him like
dirt and eventually he runs away with the talking horse, and he gets into all these adventures
with him, like—’
‘So you’re animal would be this talking horse, Ash?’
‘Yeah’
‘And would you climb on him?’
‘I guess I’d have to, wouldn’t I? Though maybe it’d take some difficulty’ I laughed slightly here,
which caused a few other people in the group to laugh a little as well.
‘Ok so you’ve mounted him, this horse, this big strong stallion, and you’ve ridden him thru the
forest for a shortwhile’
‘Yeah’
‘And you keep on riding him, and after awhile the trees start to clear out, and there’s this plain,
this grassy sporadically treed plain beyond the forest, and the sun’s just starting to go down…’
‘Yeah?’
‘And in the distance you can see this big storm brewing, say about, a mile or so out’
‘Ok’
‘And so what do you do?’
‘Shit, I guess I—well, one part of me feels tempted to ride into it, on Ash, and ride thru it, and
just, throw caution to the wind, but another part of me feels tempted to go back to the village,
and to try and seek out some shelter there’
‘So what do you do?’
‘I guess… Hmm, do I only get to pick one?’
Chad shrugged.
‘Hmm, ok, so I ride into the storm then’
‘You ride into the storm?’
‘Yeah’
‘Alright so, do you want to know what it all means?’
‘Ok. Sure. Please’
‘The box is your ego, the ladder is your ambition, the animal is your ideal partner, and the
storm is how you deal with conflict in your life. So you ride into it, you face it head on, you’re
brave’
‘Ah, well, thank you’
‘Sure’
‘Wait, do me, do me’ Catherine then said.
‘Hold on, we’re still on Wanda’ Chad replied.
I laughed slightly at this.
‘Ok, so tell me three animals’ Chad then said to me, ‘first three that come to mind, right off the
top of your head, go’
‘Alright, so, um…’
‘No, don’t think about, just tell me the first three that come into your head, straight away’

‘Ok so, human, cockroach, rat’
‘Ok, ok, whoa’ Chad replied with a slight laugh, ‘Whoa. Ah my god. Alright, so do you want me
to tell you what it all means now?’
‘Well I suppose you’d better’
‘Alright, alright so the first one is how you see others, the second one is how others see you,
and the last one is what you truly are’
‘So I’m a rat’ I replied, I pouted a little then said, ‘No fair. Besides, I put like, next to no thought
into the second two’
‘Nah but they’re the three creatures that you’re always thinking of the most, or the first,
second and third most, right at the front of your brain’
‘I don’t know, I don’t know man, besides I feel as if like, no matter what you said, you could spin
it so like, it seems either negative or positive depending on your mood, and so that it relates to
you, like, you know what I mean?’
‘Mm’
‘Like, I could just pick the qualities in the animal that I relate to so it seems, like, like— I don’t
know’
‘You’re just saying that because you don’t want to be a cockroach or a rat’ Amber then said,
‘Yeah, nice try, you don’t get to wriggle out of this one that easy’
‘Well it was a stupid game anyway. No offence Chad, not hatin’ on your game, just sayin’.
And, it’s ultimately just a game, y’know, it’s not, like I’ve spoken to God and he’s been like, ‘this
is the way things really are’
‘…Alright, alright, so new set of questions, last set, you ready?’
‘Fine… Alright, sure, hit me’
‘Alright, so you’ve just woken up suddenly, somewhere, in an entirely new time and place, and
everything about your old life was a lie, when and where have you woken up?’
‘I get to decide?’
‘A doy’
I laughed slightly then said, ‘alright, alright so like in, Shakepeare’s London, in like the 1500s or
whenever it was, sometime around then’
‘Nice’ Melanie replied.
‘Alright, alright, so you’ve woken up in your little room in 1500s London’ Chad then said,
‘you’ve put on your little peasant’s smock’
‘Hey, hey, I’m a lady, not a peasant’
‘Alright, alright, so you’ve gotten dressed in all your fancy lady’s clothes, your ruffles and
hoopskirt and whatnot, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’
‘Thank you’ I replied, and, without getting up from my chair, I slightly pulled the hem of my
dress out in both hands, to make a little curtsy.
‘And, and after you’ve gotten dressed, you head out to meet someone, who is it?’
‘Zane, and we’re going to go see a Shakespearean play together at The Globe’
‘Ew, why would you want to go out with that creep for?’ Melanie then asked.
‘I don’t know, well, alright, alright, I’m going to meet Chad then, say and we’re going to go see
Romeo and Juliet together’
‘Oo, romantic’ Catherine then said.
‘Mm’ I replied.

‘Alright, alright, I suppose I could sit thru two hours of Romeo and Juliet if you were with me’
Chad then replied with a slight laugh, ‘and as you’re going out to meet me, you’re feeling sad
about something, you’re feeling down, you’re feeling blue about something; what is it?’
‘Hmm, ok so, maybe, what man is capable of’
‘Whoa. Dark’ Melanie then said.
‘Is there a barista in the house because this shit just got dark’ Leslie then said.
‘Or I don’t know, I’m not good at having all of this attention paid to me. I feel like I’m at some
sort of press release or something. I’m cracking under the pressure, yo’
‘Alright, alright’ Chad replied with a slight laugh, ‘last question then we’re done, ok? You think
you can do one more?’
‘Sure. Ok, so, I find a box on the ground. And an animal’s inside, what is it?’
‘No. Would you listen?’
‘Alright, sorry, go’
‘Ok, ok, so you’re walking on thru 1500s London past all the bawds, and the peddlers, in your
hoopskirt and ruffles’
‘Uh huh’
‘And you start looking forward to something as you walk. What is it?’
‘Hmm… Perhaps like, one day just, dying, y’know, dying and just no longer having to be around
or think of anyone anymore’
‘Whoa. Whoa. Heavy. Dark’ Leslie then said, ‘This shit just got dark son.
…I feel like you and Zane would actually make like a really good couple’
‘Yeah, I know, right?’ Melanie then added, ‘we should totally set them up together’
‘Or, I don’t know. I’m not used to having all of this attention paid to me. I don’t do well with
talking to large crowds of people y’know’ I paused for a moment then as I looked at Chad, I said
to him, ‘Ok, so, is that it?’
‘Mmhm’
‘Alright, so do you now like tell me what they all represent, or…?’
‘They don’t represent anything, they’re just questions’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, they’re just questions, to try and find out who you are and what’s bothering you and
what you find hope in and whatnot. Like I think that some psychologist or another invented it
and he came up with the first question so as to throw people off what the test was really about,
to you know, disarm them a little’
‘Oh…’
‘So how’d I do?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t know, your answers were kinda fucked up’
‘Kinda fucked up?’
‘Yeah, you are dark man’
I pouted a little here.
‘But don’t worry, don’t worry. We all like you still’
‘Alright. Ok. Thanks’
‘Now can you ask me the cube one?’ Melanie then asked Chad.
Chad paused for a moment, as he lit his eye linger on me, then turned to Melanie and said, ‘Ok,
alright so you’re walking thru a desert…’

‘A desert? I thought you said it was a forest’
‘Yeah, well it’s a desert now. Deal with it’
‘Ok’
‘Ok, so you’re walking thru this desert’
‘And she finds this turtle flipped over on its back in the hot sun but she doesn’t do anything to
help it. Why would you do that Melanie, why?’ Leslie then said.
‘Would you let me finish?’ Chad then asked him.
‘Alright, alright’ Leslie replied.
Looking back at Melanie, Chad then said to her, ‘Ok so you’re walking thru this desert and you
find this cube on the ground. Describe the cube to me, if you will’
Melanie laughed slightly, then said, ‘ok, ok, so, the cube, all of its walls are see thru, so you can
see right thru them’
‘How big is it?’ Chad then asked her.
‘3, 4 inches wide, yeah, that sort of size’ Melanie then replied as she held her thumbs and
forefingers about three or four inches part.
‘Alright, so do you pick it up and take it with you or do you leave it in the sand?’
‘Hmm, ok, so I leave it there. No, no, actually I take it with me’
‘Ok sure, so you’ve kept on thru the desert with your cube, and after walking for sometime, you
notice this ladder. Describe to me the ladder, and what it looks like, where it’s situated,
y’know?’
‘Ok, so the ladder’s really really long, and just keeps going up and up into the sky’
‘Nice…
And so, you continue on thru the desert and after awhile, you come to this animal, what is it?’
‘A bunny rabbit, a cute, white little bunny rabbit’
‘Aw, so cute’ Catherine then said with a slight laugh.
‘You pick it up and take it with you or you leave it there?’ Chad then asked Melanie.
‘I pick him up and take him with me’
‘Ok, so, you’ve picked up your cute little rabbit, and taken him with you, along with the cube,
and in the distance, about a mile or so away over the sands, you see this big storm brewing,
what do you do?’
‘I head straight on into it, with the bunny’
‘You head straight into it?’
‘I head straight into it’
‘Nice’
‘Can you ask me now, could you ask me now?’ Catherine then asked Chad.
‘Alright, sure. Ok, so, you’re walking thru a desert, you find a cube, what does it look like?’
‘Hmm, ok, so it’s made entirely out of metal—does it have to be a cube, like, does it have to be
a cube?’
‘I guess not’
‘Ok, so it’s like, like this rectangular case and say about this long’ Catherine then held her hands
about half a foot apart.
‘And so do you pick it up or leave it there?’ Chad then asked her.
‘I pick it up and take it with me’ Catherine replied.

‘Ok, so you continue on with your heavy metal not-cube’ Chad then said, ‘and you soon come
to a ladder. Describe to me the ladder’
‘Ok so it’s wooden, and it’s leaning against, this, this mud-brick house out in the desert, and the
house has no proper windows or doors to it, like there are just bare openings with no glass or
proper doors in them right?
And inside the little mudbrick house, it’s like, half-flooded with sand, and the ladder’s leaning
against one of the house’s walls, and so I climb up it onto the roof of the little house and I
watch the sun starting to go down over the desert’
‘Aw, pretty’ I then said.
‘Ok, ok, and so after doing this for awhile, you then climb back down the ladder, then continue
on thru the desert, and after walking for awhile you come to an animal, what is it?’
‘A horse!’
‘And, describe to me the horse, what’s he like? Like, is he fast, is he strong, is he young, is he
old, what’s he like?’
‘Alright so his whole coat is white, and he has a black mane and tail’
‘So he’s like patchy?’ I then asked Catherine, ‘he has like, black and white patches on him?’
‘No just his mane and tail are black, the rest of him is white’ she replied.
‘Ok, so is he strong? Young old, what sort of build is he?’ Chad replied.
‘He’s strong, a young horse, but not like, a baby horse…’
‘A foal’ I said.
‘Yeah, he’s not a foal, like if he was a man, he’d be like a young man, in horse years’
‘Ok, so do you leave him be, climb on him, ride him, what?’ Chad then replied.
‘I climb on him, ride him as I hold on tightly to his mane’
‘Ok, so and after riding him for sometime you notice this storm brewing in the distance, what
do you do?’
‘I ride into the storm’
‘You ride into the storm?’
‘I ride into the storm, baby, yeah’
‘Nice’
‘I’m a bad bitch, I just, ride right into the storm’
‘Nice’
‘So the first one is my ego, what’s the second one again?’
‘The ladder’s your ambition’
‘Ah, ah I get it. But I said, it’s leaning against a small house, what’s that supposed to mean?’
‘No, but you climbed up the ladder to look at the sunset, so maybe your ambition is to see
beautiful things’ Chad replied.
‘Yeah, yeah, I like that’ Catherine replied, ‘And, what’s the animal again?’
‘The animal is your ideal partner. And the storm is like conflict, how you deal with conflict in
your life’
‘Nice. So I just, ride straight into it’
‘Yeah. Nice’
The group was then silent for a shortwhile.
‘So, what now?’ Leslie then said with a slight laugh.
‘Well this is supposed to be a party, right?’ Catherine then said.

‘Yeah, and…?’ I replied.
‘And I think it’s time for us to play Truth or Truth’
‘Wait don’t you mean truth or dare?’ Melanie asked.
‘Yeah I mean truth or truth what is that?’ I replied, ‘the dares are like the funniest part. I dare
you to run naked across the quad! I dare you to kiss Chad. Etc. And other things in that sort of
general vein’
‘My house, my rules’ Catherine replied.
‘Wait, since when was this your house?’ I asked Catherine.
‘Cause it just is ok?’ she replied, ‘besides we’ve got a whole year together after all. Maybe it’d
be better if we got to know each other a little, before we go y’know daring each other to kiss
each other and run naked across the quad, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of time for all that later’
‘Alright, fuck it, I’m in’ I replied, ‘But first, Chad, you mentioned something about a bottle of
scotch’
‘Yeah, it’s by the cooler, there’s solo cups beside and there should be some mixers inside’
‘I’ll make you one’ Leslie who was sitting beside the cooler then said.
‘Alright, well, thanks dude, I won’t say no to that’ I replied.
Leslie knelt before the cooler then said, ‘Fraid at this stage of the evening there’s not a lot of
option by way of mixers tho, we’ve got, coke or coke’
‘Coke it is then!’ I replied with a slight laugh, ‘and thanks again man’
‘Thank Chad, it’s his whisky’
‘Thank you Chad, for sharing your whisky with us and entertaining us with all your amusing
anecdotes, and questions and whatnot’
‘Sure, sure, you got it’
Soon Leslie had mixed up a drink for me, as well as fresh drinks for a few others and I took a sip
from my whiskey coke as I continued to sit in my cushioned wicker chair.
‘Alright so who goes first?’ Leslie said of the Truth or Truth game.
‘Alright, so it was Catherine’s suggestion, so I feel she should have to play first’ I replied, then
turning to Catherine I said, ‘Alright, so Catherine, you’re up, truth or truth?’
‘I guess truth’
‘Hoisted by your own petard’
She laughed slightly at this.
‘…Ok, so, who are you crushing on at the moment?’
As she looked back at me, Catherine replied, ‘Uh, I don’t know’
‘Nope. You gotta say. No one bitches out of truth or dare. And everyone’s crushing on
someone’
Catherine looked down then said, ‘Well, it’s only first semester of freshman year, classes
haven’t even started yet. I don’t know, I genuinely don’t even know’
‘Alright, that’s fair. That’s valid’
‘Ok, truth or truth again’ I then said to Amber.
‘No, that’s not how the game works!’ she replied.
‘What?’ I replied.
‘Yeah, Catherine gets to ask it now, you answer one, then you get to ask someone else, that’s
how it works, you don’t just get to ask everyone and pump everyone here for information’

‘Aw’
‘Alright, Catherine, you’re up’ Amber then said to her.
‘Alright, so who was your first kiss?’ Catherine then said to me as she looked at me again.
‘Me?’ I replied.
‘Yeah’
‘It’s embarassing. Do I have to say?’
She shook her head at me a little while smiling and I pouted at her.
‘Or no, like you don’t, have to, have to say, but then you can’t ask anyone any other questions’
Catherine then said to me.
‘Fine. Ok so my first kiss was with another girl, also called Catherine, as it so happens at a sleep
over. We were just practicing. It wasn’t a lesbian thing, I swear, we were just practicing’
Catherine paused for a moment then said, ‘Did you like it though?’
‘No comment’
‘That means yes’ Leslie said, ‘That means yes’
‘Ok so, we’re done doing me, I get to ask somebody else now?’
‘Fine’
‘Hmm, hmm, who to ask? Who to ask? Who to find the dark and mysterious secrets of? Du-du-
du-du’
‘You’re loving this aren’t you?’ Catherine then asked me.
‘Honestly, I’m just glad to be on the otherside of the microphone, the one asking the questions
for a change’
‘Uh huh’
‘Alright so… Who’s my victim…? Who shall I choose to publicly humiliate? How about…. Chad!’
‘No!’ Chad replied.
‘You can run but you can’t hide motherfucker’
‘Oh no. Be gentle’
‘I will do no such thing’
‘Gulp’
‘Alright so Chad, Chady-boy. What I would like to know is… Have you ever hooked up with a boy
before?’
‘Ew. No’ he replied.
‘Homophobic much?’ Amber replied to this.
‘No, I uh, didn’t mean it like that…’ Chad replied, ‘how about with a ladyboy, then, does that
count?’
‘Hmm, well if it does, then it’s kind of flaking out, and I get to answer you another question’ I
replied.
‘What, no, how does that work?’
‘Alright so, what’s your ultimate fantasy?’
‘Wow, wow, alright, so it’s that time of the evening, eh?’
‘Yeah, and you have to answer truthfully’
‘Ok, ok, so, I’m a romantic at heart, like, I can appreciate that, I don’t look it, and that I can
come across a little rough-round-the-edges at times, but in my heart, I am, really’
‘Alright, I buy it, so…?’
‘I don’t know man, maybe just a beach somewhere at night, with someone I really loved, soft

white sand, waves lapping at our bare feet as we walked down it, and have you seen the movie
The Beach?’
‘Oh my god, dude, yes. Yes. I know exactly what you’re talking about. With Virginie Leyodon
and Richard and the phospherance’
‘Yeah’
‘And with Virginie Leyodon too in your fantasy?’
‘Shit. It would have to be wouldn’t it? But like, like a young Virginie Leyodon, at the risk of
sounding like a piece of shit’
‘When has that ever stopped you before?’
‘Hey’
‘This is getting good’ Leslie then said.
‘Melanie’, Chad then said, ‘you’re up. Ultimate fantasy, go’
‘Hmm’ Melanie replied, ‘ok so, my lover has rented a hotel room for us, and I’ve gone there to
meet him, and he’s left these rose petals out on the bed, and there a bottle of champagne in
one of those stainless steel engraved coolers by it and chocolate coated strawberries in a bowl,
on the bedside table. And he’s sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, smoking a cigarette,
in a really fine classic black suit, and he doesn’t say anything to me as I enter the room, and I
watch the cigarette smoke unfurling before him and blowing away’
‘Nice, nice, a true-romantic, like me’ Chad replied, ‘…I just think, thoughts, attitudes, they really
count, y’know…? Words have power. The seeds you sew will affect what trees will grow; plant
apple seeds and you’ll have an orchad one day. Salt the ground and just, nothing will grow’
‘Yeah’ Jennifer replied.
‘We should always just, strive to be humble, full of courage, self-reliance…
I mean, any time you feel indispensable to this world, just, go and take a walk thru the cemetry
and read all the headstones there. All those guys at one time or another thought that they were
pretty hot-stuff too…’
‘Mm…’ I replied.
‘…Just, our time here is short and we all just really need to make the most of it. We need to just
block out that worry, we need to able to meet our worries and master them, otherwise they
will ultimately master us.
We need to just, really make the most of our time here. Like, look at it this way right…?
Procrastination, besides being a thief of our time, will also rob us of our peace of mind. It
sounds harsh, but it’s true.
You feel an urge to pick up your phone and play Candy Crush, or scroll down thru your
newsfeed? Don’t. Instead, pick up some twine and some beeds and start threading some
necklaces and wristsbands for yourself. And you can sell ‘em, you can sell that shit, either at the
weekend markets in town or in the park or on Etsy, and let me tell you something, man, after
you’ve finished doing that for 2 hours, you’ll feel a hell of a lot better than if you just stared at
your phone for all that time.
And we mustn’t waste our time worrying about things that we can’t do anything about either…
So you missed an opportunity? Ah well, it’s in the past, it’s done and gone now, forget about it,
move on, keep moving, the world keeps turning’
‘Yeah’ I replied.

‘Just, don’t constantly concentrate on things that you have no way of fixing or redeeming.
Instead, try to concentrate on the possible, the things you can fix, the new opportunities.
Try to, stretch your imaginations, just, each day try to think of five things that you’ve never
once thought of before; say you’ve got a job interview or a meeting with your tutor or dean,
that you’re nervous about, imagine if you went into the room, and instead of being greeted by
your potential employer or dean or whatever, you’re really greeted by a man sized frog in a
suit, sitting behind the desk. Just, try to make your outlook, your imagination free and wild, just
like a child’s’
‘Yeah…’
‘Just don’t worry so much. So your fish has died? Host a funeral for him. Invite all your friends’
‘Yes’ Catherine replied, ‘we’re so doing that if Wanda dies’
‘What? No. I’m not fish’
‘Oh, no, not you, don’t worry, the other Wanda. We also have a fished named Wanda. Like after
the film’
‘I hate that movie’ I took a sip from my whiskey coke then added, ‘I really hate that movie’
‘So your vacum cleaner has died, host a funeral for it too’ Chad then said.
‘TV Funeral’ Catherine suggested.
‘Yeah, there are no limits, you’re feeling bored, blow up your couch. Raise silk worms, then spin
their silk into beautiful clothes for yourself. Sab kuch milega. Raise moths in your room, just, it’s
never too late to turn it all around. There’s always another day. Always’
‘What is sab kuch milega?’ I asked.
‘It’s Hindi for everything is possible’
‘Whoa. Ok’
‘Yeah, I was kind of like that when I first learned it. It’s a really common expression there’
‘I feel like somebody should be telling this to Zane’ Leslie then said, ‘I feel like Zane should be
here right now to hear all of this’
‘Five things everybody should do before they die, just right off the top of my head’ Chad then
said, ‘Make love on a deserted tropical island beach’
‘With Virginie Leyodon?’ I asked.
‘Sure, whoever, anyone you really love. What else? Jump out of a plane and free fall’
‘Yeah’ I replied, ‘with a parachute on, right?’
‘Yeah, of course. Alright, what else? Scuba dive on a wreck at night in a lightning storm.
Drive thru Vegas at night in a ragtop twisted on psychotropic drugs’
‘Yes, yes, dude yes, Hunter. S. Thompson style, right?’ I replied.
‘Absolutely. Surf an unbroken wave on an offshore tropical reef’
‘Do you surf man?’ I then asked Chad.
‘Sure. Absolutely. I love to surf. That shit is like my religion’
‘Where are you from again?’
‘Originally Ohio. But I got a van, so I try to get out to the coast whenever I can’
‘You have a van?’
‘Yeah’
‘Nice’
‘Anyway, that’s just five things, right off the top of my head. Boredom is bullshit. Self-pity is
bullshit. If you’re bored you’re boring, my mother always told me that.

You’ve got nothing to do? Ok, get a chainsaw, go out into a wood at night, cut down a tree and
then start carving it into a canoe.
If you’re miserable, change it. Seek help if you need to. Ain’t no shame in seeking help if you
need it. Hell do anything, but just sit around and feel sorry for yourself.
Get out your phone and look up counsellors near me. Or go to a church and try to communicate
with God and seek guidance from him, or get into black magic, and try and solve your problems
that way, or get into grave robbing, or go into town and get on a train and ride it out to some
random stop. Catch a plane to Japan, and make love to a Japanese girl on the beach in the rain.
There are no limits. The only limit, ultimately is you’
‘Mm’ I replied.
‘Just go into a local dive and start a conversation with a total stranger over a beer, ask him
about his life and what’s important to him, who’s important to him, where he’s from. Just do
anything, do anything but just sit around on your own pitying yourself, hating your situation
and all the other people in your life, damnit’
‘I wish Zane was here to hear all this’ Leslie then said.
‘Yeah’ Travis added.
‘Cause ultimately, at the end of the day, nobody else is going to do it for you’ Chad then said,
‘nobody can change your life for you, but you. It’s up to you to do that.
And you can sit around and sit around waiting for someone to save you and change everything
for you, but ultimately, it’s gotta be you, you’ve got to save yourself first, then others will flock
to you, like, like moths to a light, but, if there’s no light, no one will see you and no one will
come. You can’t just be closed up like this’ Chad held his hands over his shoulders here, ‘you
can’t just be closed up like this all your life, otherwise no one will notice you, you have to show
yourself, you have to show your best self to the world’ Chad paused for a moment, then raised
an index finger before him, then said, ‘An optimist sees an opportunity in very calamity, where
as a pessimist sees calamity in ever oportunity.
Every day, every breath provides a new opportunity, to, to go somewhere you’ve never been
before, to talk to someone you’ve never talked to before, to make a new friend…
What a man thinks of himself, that is what will indicate to his fate.
So you want to be a photographer? Buy a camera, start taking photos.
So you’ve got nothing to do? Pick up a pen and write a story about, about, about a robotic child,
roaming thru the ruins of some strange planet. Soon you’ll be so wrapped up in it that you
won’t want to stop, y’know? The only limit as to what you can achieve is you— write, write a
play about two ghosts getting married. There’s always something new and exciting to do with
the right attitude’
‘Two ghosts getting married, that’s cute’ Melanie then said.
‘Thanks…
Or, read a book you’ve never read before, or make a documentary about a local shopkeeper,
interview him, and, find out who he is y’know, but don’t just— I’m sorry, I’m still just a bit
shaken up by that journal…’
‘Yeah he wrote some pretty fucked-up and misogynistic shit in it’ Amber replied.
‘What’s his major anyway?’ Jennifer then asked the group.
‘Liberal sciences’ I replied.
‘Are we still playing truth or truth?’ Catherine then said with a slight laugh.

‘Yeah’ Melanie then said.
‘Who’s turn is it?’ Catherine then asked.
‘I… can’t remember’ I then said, ‘I, I honestly can’t remember. But I’ve got a really good one, if
you guys’ll let me go’
‘Sure Wanda, you’re up’ Catherine replied.
‘Alright, alright, so Chad?’
‘Me again? Why is it always me?’ Chad replied.
‘What’s your greatest fear?’
‘My greatest fear?’
‘Yeah’
‘Spiders’ he replied, ‘Can’t stand ‘em. Or no, no—not taking full advantage of this life’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, I don’t ever want to get to the end of my life and think to myself, ‘I didn’t live it to the
full’
‘Ok, that’s fair’ I replied, then took another sip from my whisky and coke.
‘Alright so it’s my turn now?’ Chad then asked.
‘Yeah’
‘Alright so Wanda—ultimate fantasy?’
‘Shit, ok so, so, I’ve always kinda wanted to be abducted by an alien spaceship’
‘Then make it with a hot alien on board, like in Avatar?’
I laughed slightly then said, ‘Yeah, I don’t know something like that—but no, no more so to
travel thru the universe and to see distant foreign planets to see shit beyond all this, whatever
you want to call it’
‘I feel like you’ve got a real darkside Wanda’ Leslie then said, ‘I think we should hook her up
with Zane’
‘No because he’d probably end up murdering her or some shit’ Travis said.
‘Don’t joke about that type of shit’ Amber said.
‘Amber, greatest fantasy?’ Chad then said to her.
‘I want to be covered in chocolate! And then have, say, Brad Pitt lick it all off’
‘Not bad, not bad, I like the way you think’ Catherine replied, ‘I would have probably have gone
with Leonardo DiCaprio though’
I turned my chair slightly and looked at the lights in the night beside me as the people around
me continued to play the game. I continued to slowly work my way thru my whiskey coke, and I
felt at least somewhat tipsy by then.
‘…Don’t freak out but I’ve never even kissed a boy before’ I caught a girl in the group say.
‘Wait, not even one? I’ve kissed like twenty’ I then heard either Leslie or Travis reply, before
adding, ‘And I mostly just fuck girls’ And a few people in the group laughed at this.

‘…And the best part is, I never got caught’ I later caught Catherine say.
‘Ok, you’re officially the coolest person I’ve ever met’ I then heard one of the young men in the
group reply to this.

‘Who skinny dips in a public pool?’ I then heard another one of the young women ask
Catherine.
‘Heroes, Amber, heroes’ Catherine replied to this.
‘Ok, Travis, I dare you to kiss’ someone else then said.
‘You can’t dare me to kiss anyone’ he replied, ‘There are no dares. It’s truth or truth, not truth
or dare’
‘Oh yeah, I forgot, I’m kinda drunk right now’
‘That’s ok, we all are, we all are’
I continued to look at the lights in the distance beside me and to drink my whiskey and coke.
And after awhile I caught someone say, ‘…Alright so Chad, what’s the weirdest place you’ve
ever hooked up?’
‘Ooh, nice’ someone else replied to this.
‘The weirdest place I hooked up, huh?’ Chad then said.
‘Yeah’
‘Ok, ok so…’
‘There’ve been a few haven’t there?’
‘Well… Alright, alright so, in the 60s right, when the Beatles went to India, they went to this
place called Rishikesh, where they formed their own ashram, with like 60 odd groupies
reporters and whatnot that they all bought over with them, and now like the whole place is just
totally overgrown and covered in vines and ivy and old paintings that people did on the walls of
the place while the Beatles were there. And myself and this girl, Rita, I was travelling with at the
time, right…’
I took another sip from my drink and continued to look at the lights in the distance besides me.
The evening went on and after awhile I went to the cooler and made myself another mixer
drink in my red plastic cup, then returned to my chair with it.
The group continued to play truth or truth for awhile, and then afterwards we all played never
have I ever.
And as the night went on gradually people started to leave the roof, and after awhile it was only
Chad and I up there. And I was rather drunk by then, and I cannot remember exactly when we
started kissing, but we kissed on the rooftop for awhile, before going back down the stairs to
Chad’s room, where we soon made love. And afterwards we did not hold each other as we laid
in bed together.
And after lying there for a shortwhile, rather drunkenly, I found myself walking down this
beach, and I was wearing my tennis shoes, and I felt like a pebble was stuck in one of my shoes.
And so I sat down on the beach and took my shoe off to take the pebble out and on doing so, I
discovered that it was not a pebble, but rather a human tooth.
When I woke up in Chad’s bed the following morning, I was certain that I’d dreamt of other
things but I couldn’t quite place them then.
And as I laid there I looked over at Chad who was sitting up shirtless in his bed and doing
something or another in his phone.

‘Morning…’ I said to him as I reached out and touched his arm.
‘Mm, morning’ he replied as he continued to look down into his phone.
I continued to lay in the bed for a shortwhile, then said to him, ‘So what are you up to?’
‘I don’t know…’ he replied.
‘Mm’ I continued to lay in the bed for a shortwhile, then I said to Chad, ‘Hey, er, do you happen
to know where Zane’s room is, he’s staying here, in this dorm right?’
‘Mm, yeah, yeah, he’s upstairs, it’s the first door on the right’
‘Oh, alright, cool’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know. I just thought I might go see him, y’know?
Maybe challenge him to a game of chess. Like, he told me that he played chess last night. And I
can never say no to a good chess game’
Chad continued to look into his phone and didn’t respond anything to this.
‘And I bought this little wooden magnetic travel set with me from home’ I then said, ‘like my
Dad bought it back from India for me when I was younger. It’s a really cute set, I’ll show it to
you sometime’
‘Alright’
‘Yeah, my dad travelled thru India a lot too when he was younger, your age’
‘Yeah’
‘Anyway, last night was nice. I really enjoyed that. That was nice’
‘Mm’
‘Maybe we could do it again sometime, I mean, if you want’
‘Sure’
‘Well bye’
‘Sure’ Chad replied with a slight headnod and smile as he continued to look into his phone.
‘Alright well, I’ll get out of your hair now…’
‘Thanks’
I shook my head slightly at this though didn’t reply anything.
I then got up and got dressed again, then without saying goodbye to Chad, I left his room again,
shutting his door gently behind me.
And I then went thru the living room, then up the stairs, and knocked on Zane’s door, but he
didn’t answer it. I knocked again a bit more loudly, a couple more times, then called out, ‘Hey,
Zane, it’s me, Wanda, are you in there?’
No reply still came from the room however.
I knocked again a few more times, then said, ‘Ok, Zane, it’s me, Wanda, I’m coming in if you’re
decent, alright?’
I waited for a few moments, then said, ‘Alright, I’m coming in now, you better not be jacking off
in there’
I opened the door and walked into Zane’s room, and once inside I noticed that dried blood was
sprayed all about it; all over his carpet, his sheets and bedding and the walls behind and beside
his bed, and he was lying on the floor beside his bed with his arms spread out, and I could see
that he’d cut his wrists open, and was softly holding a dark-grey-bladed, sharp-looking fold-out
camping knife in one of his hands. And I quitely shut the door behind me, then turned Zane’s
ceiling light on at the switch beside his bed.

There were surrealistic ink drawings on sheets of paper, and occassional, rather disturbed
looking, mostly surrealistic paintings on what looked like large sheets of watercolour card stuck
up over Zane’s walls, and some of the artworks had caught the spray of the blood from his
wrists.
One of the paintings, on the far wall of Zane’s room before me, which had not caught any of the
spray of the blood, caught my eye in particular.
It was done in a rather realistic, impressionistic sort of style, and was of the head and bust of a
petite, attractive young woman. And the lady was sitting on a somewat faded old floral sofa,
with some soft blue blinds behind her, and had one of her knees bought up to her chest,
though if she was holding it with her hands, one couldn’t tell as they were out of the frame.
And the lady was wearing a loose white singlet which she didn’t appear to have a bra on
beneath and she had short blonde hair over which she was wearing a white cotton tennis
headband, which had the word Seventeen embroided onto its centre in a neat pink cursive
hand.
The girl was neither smiling nor frowning in the painting, and had a queer, intriguing expression
in her eyes, which made me wonder what she might have been thinking or feeling, when Zane
had painted her, or when the photographer had taken the photo which Zane had later based
his painting off of.
I continued to look at the painting for a shortwhile, then decided to check the pockets of Zane’s
black blood soaked jeans, for a note.
And I found one in one of the side pockets of his jeans. And the note was folded up into a small
square, and some of the blood had soaked thru Zane’s jeans to stain its surface a little. And
I unfolded it, then read what Zane had written on it, in pencil, ‘The human animal is grotesque
and I am so glad to at last be leaving this fucked-up planet full of fucked-up creatures.
Good riddance you fucking dogs. NO FUNERAL’
As I continued to crouch down before Zane’s body, I soon tried to wipe my prints off of the
note as best I could on the hem of my dress, then as I held my fingers behind my dress’s hem, I
carefully folded the note back up again, then slipped it back into the side pocket of Zane’s jeans
where I had found it.
I then got up and tried to wipe my prints off of the light switch with my dress, as best I could,
then off of the door knob. Then with my hand still behind the hem of my dress, I held onto the
doorknob and opened the door again, then walked out into the hall, then without removing my
hand from behind my dress, I pulled the door shut by its outter knob, then tried to polish any of
my prints off of the outter knob, as best I could with the fabric of my dress.
I then rather quickly walked back downstairs into the kitchen and living room, which was still
empty at the time, and up to the kitchen bench, where I took the dorm’s cordless phone out of
its cradle then phoned 911.